


Napoleons

by sinfuldesire_archivist



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Drama, During Canon, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-02-05
Updated: 2008-04-15
Packaged: 2018-09-03 03:50:12
Rating: Teen & Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 28,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8695282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinfuldesire_archivist/pseuds/sinfuldesire_archivist
Summary: Sam seeks help at a mental hospital for depression. I wanted to "open up" the show’s time line.  While this is more Sam’s story, Dean will become an important part of the story arc. Think of it as a Russian novel, it will eventually get there





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the Sinful Desire archivists: this story was originally archived at [Sinful-Desire.org](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Sinful_Desire). To preserve the archive, we began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2016. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Sinful Desire collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sinfuldesire/profile).

2008

It was 9 o’clock on a Saturday night in some one-dog town in Kentucky. Dean was out doing what ever Dean does. Sam was sitting on the bed in another dingy hotel room. And Sam hurt, in his heart, in his head, in his whole body. He couldn’t sleep because the dreams were…. are too vivid. He longed for the quiet days with the Napoleons.

 

2002

Sam was on a bus going to California. Said good-bye to Dad, Dean and hunting. He should be happy even ecstatic. Sam loved his father and brother dearly, but the depression paralyzed him at times. He couldn’t tell them how bad he felt. Dean would tell him stop being a girl. Dad would tell him to put on his big boy pants and straighten up. 

 

The bus stopped in Dalton, Georgia for food and bathroom breaks. Sam picked up his one bag, got off the bus and started walking. After a mile he saw an extend stay motel. Once he got into the room, Sam striped and got into bed. The dark was good-now he wouldn’t have to see or talk to anyone.

 

For three days Sam laid in bed not eating, only getting up to use the bathroom. He didn’t like sleeping because he dreamed of Dad and Dean. On the fourth day Sam decided to kill himself. It was a very easy decision to make. Dad and Dean would be better off. He would finally have peace. Everybody wins!

 

Cut the wrists, done-and-over. The room was prefect for a suicide. That was when he saw the phone book. 

 

Sam called doctors until he found one that would see him that day and didn’t care he had no insurance. 

 

Sam walked into an office. A man came out to the waiting room. “Hi Sam. I’m Dr. Enys. Come in. The staff is at lunch so it will be just us.” Sam followed him down a hall into a room with a desk that looked like every piece of paper in Dalton was on it. Two chairs with a half eaten sandwich and two waters on the table between them. 

 

“I’m sorry to disturb your lunch.”

 

“Sit down Sam.”

 

Sam sat in one chair while Dr. Enys sat in the other.

 

“Sam when was the last time you slept?”

 

Sam stared at the floor. After what seemed to be hours passed. Sam told Dr. Enys everything, (leaving out the hunting part because he didn’t want Dr. Enys to think he was crazy), years long depression and spending the last three days in a suicidal stupor.

 

Sam finally looked up at Dr. Enys. There was no judgment only understanding.

 

“Sam there is a county hospital not too far from here with an excellent mental facility. It is state funded so they only take non-insured patients. I practice there as well my office. You can sign yourself in on a voluntarily basis. But please stay a week and give me time to help you.”

 

Sam stared at Dr. Enys. No he didn’t want to go to the hospital. “Just give me a prescription. You know Prozac.”

 

“Sam I don’t believe in the magic pill theory. Let’s find the source of your depression-if it is physical or something that can be changed in your life.” Sam was shaking his head no. “Let’s see where we are at the end of the week. I can take you there now. If you need to think about it over night, I will give you my contact number. Call me if you get into trouble.”

 

Sam suddenly tasted the tears. How long had he been crying? Why after all this time? “No, take me to the hospital.” 

 

As they pulled into the parking lot of the hospital, Sam wondered what he was doing. When they stepped out of the elevator, Sam stopped. Dr. Enys stopped and looked back. “Sam if you have changed you mind, we can go back to my office. Really, for now this is the best place for you.” 

 

Sam thought about the last four days, the last ten years. At some point he had to go forward. Either cut his wrists and be over-and-done or figure out how to put one foot in front of the other. One week. It was only one week. 

 

With no memory of walking, Sam was standing at the admissions desk signing himself into the mental ward of the Dalton County Hospital. 

 

A woman escorted Dr. Enys and Sam to his room. He would have to share a room. He was given the nickel tour of the facility. Dr. Enys left after giving Sam his contact information. “Sam, I will see you tomorrow at 10 am.”

 

Sam wanted to bolt. Suddenly being over-and-done wasn’t looking so bad. I need a phone, I’ll call Dean. He will come and get me. I will meet him down the block. 

 

Sam started looking for a phone. He walked into a room where three men were playing Monopoly. They looked up. One was short and fat with black rim glasses. The second was tall, thin almost bald. The third remind Sam of when he was in high school and over heard a girl say he was so ugly he was cute. That made Sam angry enough to beat the hell out of her. But looking at this third man Sam understood what she meant. His face was all sharp planes-high cheekbones, long sharp nose, long chin with thick, dark curly hair that hadn’t seen a comb in days. His eyes were crystal blue and the saddest Sam had ever seen. 

 

The short one yelled. “You can’t play, we’ve already started! You can’t play!”

 

The tall one yelled. “Shut up! He can watch if wants to!”

 

Sam sat down between the short man and the one with blue eyes. “I’m Sam.”

 

The short one introduced himself as Napoleon Bonaparte.

 

The tall one slammed his fist on the table. Sam jumped. “HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU TO STOP CALLING YOURSELF NAPOLEON!! EVERYONE KNOWS I AM THE REAL NAPOLEON WHO CONQURED THE WORLD!!”

 

The short one puffed up his chest. “KISS MY ASS! YOU ARE THE IMPOSTOR!”

 

Sam was swallowed and waited for the blows to start. 

 

“I’m Robert.” The voice was calm. Sam turned to his right and looked into the sad, blue eyes. 

 

The short one said at the same volume “YOU GOING TO ROLL THE DICE OR NOT?! DINNER IS IN AN HOUR .” The tall one rolled the dice.

 

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

  
Author's notes: Sam seeks help at a mental hospital for depression. I wanted to "open up" the show’s time line. While this is more Sam’s story, Dean will become an important part of the story arc. Think of it as a Russian novel, it will eventually get there.  


* * *

Over the next hour, The Napoleons bickered about every move imaging the Monopoly board to be a war table and they were planning an invasion. Robert played what seemed to Sam to be a whole different game. He rolled the dice and moved the top hat around the board. Pass Go do not collect 200 dollars. 

 

A bell rung twice. The Napoleons started to pack up the board. Threw the game pieces and what little money there was in the box, fold up the board and put the lid on. “Come on Sam. Time for dinner”, said Robert following the Napoleons out the door. AS Sam followed he saw Robert look back over his shoulder through the patients walking down the hallway.

 

Patients were being helped by the staff to get settled at tables. Sam looked around and flashed back to when he was in school and didn’t know anyone. No wonder he was depressed. He looked around. Robert was sitting with the Napoleons just staring at Sam. He took a deep breath and walked over to the table and sat down between the short Napoleon and Robert. The tall Napoleon asked Sam for his name. “Sam. It’s Sam.” 

 

“We have decided base on your excellent military career to make you the Ambassador to the Ukraine. Congratulations my boy! Welcome to the cabinet.” The tall Napoleon beamed at Sam. The short Napoleon raised his paper cup in a toast salute. Sam raised his paper cup in a return salute. 

 

A staff member came over to ask Sam his name to make sure he received the correct meal. Can’t have people dropping dead of food allergies. The tall Napoleon answered. “This is the Ambassador to the Ukraine you silly woman! Get off the property before I have the place guards shoot you!” The woman said, “I’m sorry General. I didn’t recognize the Ambassador.” She smiled at Sam, “I assume you are also known as Sam?” Sam nodded. “I will leave you to enjoy your dinner. Generals, Ambassador Sam, Ambassador Robert.” With that the woman left to get their meals.

 

Sam look turned to Robert. “I’m the Ambassador to Iceland.” The Napoleons proceeded to ignored Sam and Robert. When their meals came, they ate in silence. Sam wasn’t sure what the meat was so he only ate the bland vegetables. But mostly he felt sick to his stomach. This was a mistake. Why didn’t he stay on the bus?

 

The Napoleons stood up and walked out of the dining room. Sam stood up-maybe the office was still open and he could sign himself out.

 

“Sam, you feel like a walk?” Sam turned back as Robert walked pass him and out the dining room’s side door. Sam knew he should find the office because he really did want to leave. When Sam found the office, an elderly woman was closing up for the night.

 

“Excuse me, my name is Sam Winchester. I signed myself in this afternoon. I want to sign myself out.”

 

“I’m sorry. It’s 7 pm. We don’t let anyone sign out after 6. You can sign yourself out at 11 am tomorrow.”

 

“NO, I HAVE TO LEAVE NOW!” Sam gave her his best and friendliest smile. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to raise my voice. I made a mistake coming here.”

 

“Young man, you can sign yourself out tomorrow at 11 am. If you don’t go back into the ward, I will call security to escort you.”

 

Sam tried to control his anger. “Thank you for your time.”

 

Sam walked back down the hall and out the dinning room’s side door. He wasn’t watching where he was going. Just walking, cursing his own soul to hell. All he wanted was some Prozac. All he wanted was to feel numb. Suppose that bitch said he was violent and they wouldn’t let him out tomorrow. Suppose Dad and Dean thought since he was so stupid to sign himself into a mental hospital, he could rot here. 

 

“Josephine wouldn’t let you out, huh?” Sam stopped. Robert, the Ambassador of Iceland, was sitting on a bench looking at him with those sad blue eyes. 

 

“Yeah that bitch wouldn’t let me sign out.” 

 

“Careful my friend that is Josephine and the Napoleons my be on the other side of fifty, but they will kick your ass. You are talking about the woman they lust over. Sit down Sam and tell me how sick you are.”

 

Sam sat down because Robert asked how sick he was like he was asking how Sam was doing in school.

 

“Come on Sam. We’re all patients in the same crazy house.”

 

Sam decided to let his inner Dean out. “How crazy are you Ambassador to Iceland?” Sam felt proud of himself.

 

Robert gave him a little grin. “I’m on my third suicide attempt. How crazy are you Sam?”

 

Sam felt ashamed. Gather around nephews and nieces. Uncle Sam visited Dalton, Georgia, decided to kill himself. Oh yeah checked into a mental hospital and had fun at other patients’ expense. Good times!

 

Robert’s eyes never wavered. Sam couldn’t look at him so he became fascinated with an ant crawling in the evening light. 

 

“How old are you Sam?”

 

Still watching the ant. “Eighteen”

 

“Ah, an adult.” Sam heard the smile in Robert’s voice. “On my eighteenth birthday I took every pill in the medicine cabinet. I was old enough to drink, vote and be drafted. I should be able to kill myself in peace”. Sam couldn’t believe it. This man was telling him about his first suicide attempt like he was talking about the weather. “I threw up of myself, over the cat, all over my nice clean room. That was when my parents decided to I should see a doctor.”

 

“Have you been here since you were eighteen?” Sam knew he would never get out now.

 

Robert laughed loudly. “No Sam, I have not been here for twenty-six years. I got out once…. twice.”

 

Sam felt uncomfortable asking, but he wanted to know. “Why are you here now?”

 

Robert looked at him and decided Sam really wanted to know. “I got married to the woman I couldn’t live without. Dawn, Dawnie. She made sure I took my medication, put it out with the vitamins. We were married 12 years. Didn’t even try to have children. One day I come home from work and she tells me she’s pregnant.” Robert took a deep breath and stopped talking. Sam was trying to figure out how to change the subject. “She stroked out during child birth. Never woke up. The baby had the cord wrapped around her neck, she died 24 hours later.” Robert eyes filled with tears, but didn’t fall. 

 

“Sam,” Robert waited for Sam to look at him. The ant was gone so Sam could look at Robert or leave. “Some things you don’t bounce back from. You just learn to live with things.” Sam looked at Robert. “The evening after the funerals, I went home and tried to hang myself. My inconsiderate sister came by to check on me and make dinner. She called the ambulance. She had me committed here ten years ago. I was discharged 6 months later to her custody. It’s been 10 long years since Dawnie died, so I marked the anniversary by cutting my wrists.” He showed Sam the banged wrists. Sam felt like throwing up. “She found me and had me committed again. I remember her yelling at me all the way to the hospital.”

 

Robert and Sam sat quietly on the bench. “So Sam you trying to bounce back or learning to live with things?”

 

Sam felt the tears. Is this what he had to look forward to. Multi attempts until there was no one to stop him. 

 

A bell rang. Patients started moving into the building. “Cheer up Sam. It’s medication time.”

 

Sam followed Robert into the building and got in line for medication. Dr. Enys said he would leave a prescription for a mild sedative to help him sleep. Doc just wasn’t grasping the concept of Prozac. When he got to the front of the line, the nurse gave him the pill and a small cup of water. He took the pill and opened his mouth so show he swallowed. Sam found his room and got into bed without undressing. 

 

He dreamt of a very pregnant Mary dancing a waddling twist. A four-year-old Dean was trying to do the twist-arms and legs failing everywhere. Sam’s crying woke him. Even though he and Dean rarely talked about their mother, he did remember Dean saying she loved to dance. 

 

He wasn’t bouncing back. 

 

He wasn’t living with things.

 

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

  
Author's notes: Sam seeks help at a mental hospital for depression. I wanted to "open up" the show’s time line. While this is more Sam’s story, Dean will become an important part of the story arc. Think of it as a Russian novel, it will eventually get there.  


* * *

An orderly woke Sam and the roommate for the day. The roommate was buried under the covers and refused to move. Sam went into the small bathroom that had a curtain instead of a door and took a shower. When he was admitted, his toiletry bag was taken as well as belt and shoelaces. These folks watched way too many movies. He used one of the disposable tooth bushes. He got dressed in jeans, t-shirt, hoodie and left the room. While he walked down the hall toward the dining room, a guy in his head started to pound his brain with a hammer. 

 

Sam entered the dining room. Breakfast was less formal than lunch or dinner. A buffet of oatmeal, fruit, and cereals was laid out. Sam got a bowl of fruit asked one of the staff where was the coffee. She said she would check his meal orders to see if he could have caffeine. Sam was pleased to see he could have caffeine and thought he had one more reason to leave. 

 

He looked around the dining room and saw the Napoleons and Robert sitting at their usual table. Sam took a deep breath, cross to the table and sat between Short Napoleon and Robert. They ate in silence. Sam put his head in his hand because the guy in his head decided a jackhammer would be better when he heard “are you Sam Winchester?” It was so soft Sam thought oh good, now I’m hearing voices. Then he felt a sharp jab in his ribs. He looked at Robert who pointed to the other side of Sam. Sam turned and saw a young woman about his age. Her dark hair was in a ponytail and she was wearing a simple white dress with little flowers on it. 

 

“Yeah, I’m Sam”

 

The young woman continued to look at the floor and said in soft voice. “I’m Sandy from Dr. Enys’ office. He asked me to show you where his office is.”

 

Sam stood up. “Lead the way.”

 

Sandy led him out of the dinning room, through the ward to the doctor’s offices. She kept looking at him like she expected him to attack her at any time. Sam wondered if he made any sudden movements if Sandy would urinate of the floor out of fear.

 

Finally they arrived at an open door with a sign Dr. Dwight Enys on it. This office looked the same as his other office with two chairs side by side. Dr. Enys saw Sam and Sandy. “Sam come in. Thank you Sandy.”

 

Sandy practically ran away. Sam came in and sat down. Dr. Enys shut the door and sat down in another chair. “How did you sleep?”

 

“I have a headache and didn’t sleep very well.”

 

Dr, Enys wrote something on a pad. “Can you take aspirin?” Sam nodded yes. Dr. Enys crossed to the door and opened it. “Sandy, please take this to the pharmacy and bring in a cup of water.” He closed the door and crossed back to Sam.

 

“I heard that you tried to sign yourself out last night.”

 

Sam immediately got defensive. “I didn’t mean to raise my voice to Josephine. I apologized. I was not violent.”

 

Dr. Enys looked puzzled. Sandy knocked on the door and entered giving Sam a small envelope with the aspirins and a cup of water. She was out of the room before either man could thank her.

 

Dr. Enys smiled. “Alice said you wanted to sign yourself out and when she said no, you became agitated. She also said you went back into the ward and security was not called. The reason we don’t allow voluntary patients to sign out after six pm is because we don’t want anyone spending the night on the street. The shelter close at six and unless we know there is family, everyone spends the night. Sam you can sign yourself out anytime between eleven and six. No one is going to chase you down and drag you back. If you decide to stay, you will have hard work ahead of you. It is your decision.”

 

Sam sat quietly. What did he want? Did he want to leave or did he want help? His headache was starting to subside.

 

“I would like the opportunity to help you, Sam.”

 

Sam said, “I dreamed about my mother last night. I don’t remember her –I’ve only seen pictures.” Sam felt the tears. “ I miss having her here. I wonder if I would feel so lost if she was still alive.”

 

“Do you want to talk about your dream?”

 

Sam smiled for the first time since he was admitted. “She was dancing and very pregnant. I must have been the baby because Dean was dancing with her. Dean told me she loved to dance. Dean and Dad don’t talk about her. They just hu.” Sam stopped. He couldn’t talk about hunting. Dad had ingrained that into his head.

 

“Dean and your Dad do what?”

 

“I used to wish Dad would find a nice woman to marry –who would love me and Dean and want to be our mother. Dad would stop moving us around so much. We never had any friends, I was always the new kid and just when I got used to a place, Dad would move us.”

 

“Sam I know you don’t want your family to know you are here, but I have found familial support can be very helpful. You gave Bobby Singer as a emergency contact, maybe you could let him know you are here.”

 

Sam look alarmed. No, Bobby would tell Dad. Sam shook his head no.

 

“Sam the hour is up. Please give some thought about staying here and what you would like to accomplish. “

 

Sam got up to leave, but he wanted to know one thing. “Dr. Enys, why would someone become another person- I mean take on another identity?”

 

Dr. Enys thought for a moment. “You mean Disassociate Disorder?” Sam nodded. “Image the worst possible thing that could happen and then have it happen. People deal with trauma in different ways. Some become stronger, some cannot deal with it. If they are someone else, then they convince themselves it didn’t happen.”

 

Sam and Dr. Enys said their good byes. Sam walked back into the ward. The worst had happened to the Winchesters. Dad and Dean became Napoleons and Sam became Robert and all of them were hanging on by the skin of their teeth.

 

“AGAINST THE WALL! ALL PATIENTS AGAINST THE WALL! Staff was moving the patients in the hall and Sam against the wall. Sam then heard the running footsteps and looked down the hall to see two of the biggest orderlies running with a gurney. Some of the patients started running after them and Sam was caught up in the wake. 

 

As they got closer to the outer office, Sam heard yelling and recognized the voice.

 

“I WANT JOSEPHINE! WHERE IS JOSEPHINE?! LET ME GO! LET ME GO!

 

Sam pushed his way to the front to the crowd. Two orderlies were holding Short Napoleon by the arms. He looked so small that all Sam could think was they are going to hurt him. Sam started walking to help Short Napoleon when one of the big orderlies steps in front of him. “Stay back or you will be sedated and restrained to your bed.” Before Sam could say anything.

 

“NO, PLEASE NO!” Short Napoleon was crying because a man was approaching him with a syringe. “PLEASE NO! I JUST WANT JOSEPHINE!” One of the orderlies held his arm out and the man gave Short Napoleon a sedative and he collapsed. The orderlies put him on the gurney and wheeled him past Sam. As Sam turned he saw Robert walking away. Sam pushed his way through the other patients and followed Robert into the game room. 

 

Tall Napoleon was moving things around the Monopoly board. Robert walked over the sat down across from him.

 

Sam was mad. He walked up to Robert, “why didn’t you help him?! They could have hurt him.”

 

Robert gave Sam a look that said he was tolerating a child. Sam walked out of the game room and thru a side door to the enclosed courtyard. He pulled his hoodie over his head and found a bench to sit on. It was time to do some real thinking. Did he want to stay and get help or leave and risk becoming suicidal again? If he did leave, he may not seek help again. 

 

Sam didn’t realize how much time had passed until a woman on staff, her nametag said Marge, approached him. 

 

“Sam you missed lunch and almost missed dinner. Come in and eat.”

 

Sam followed Marge into the dinning room. He saw Robert sitting with the Napoleons. He walked over to the table. Oh yeah, he was still mad at Robert. Then he noticed that Short Napoleon had not slept off the sedative and was having trouble holding his cup. Someone had gotten him up and put him at the table. Sam sat down and helped Short Napoleon with his cup so he could get a drink. Sam looked over at Robert who gave him the now-I-have-to-tolerate-two- children look. Sam gave him the finger and as he turned back to Short Napoleon, he saw Tall Napoleon give them both the finger.

 

Marge walked over with Sam’s plate and saw Tall Napoleon. She put his hand down and said, “Now General, we don’t do that at the table.” When she turned to walk away, Tall Napoleon gave her the finger and giggled like a naughty schoolboy. They ate in the silence. Sam help Short Napoleon eat because he had no coordination. Robert and Tall Napoleon finished and got up from the table and wandered off.

 

Sam looked at Short Napoleon. “Hey, Buddy you want to go back to bed?” Short Napoleon nodded. Since he couldn’t remember where his room was, Sam asked one of the staff. When they entered the room, the restraint cuffs were still on the bed.

Short Napoleon started to cry and beg Sam not to put the cuffs back on. Sam took the cuffs and threw them outside the door. He helped Short Napoleon into bed and made sure he was comfortable.

 

Sam went outside into the courtyard and walked until the medication bell rang. He took his sedative and went to his room. His roommate was an older man who took one look at Sam and pulled the covers up to his neck. Sam brushed his teeth. Pulled the curtain between the beds for privacy. He stripped down to his underwear and got into bed. 

 

Sam had made up his mind. He was staying at least for a week. The sense of relief made him fall into a dreamless sleep.

 

TBC


	4. Chapter 4

  
Author's notes: This chapter has some sexual content near end.  


* * *

The next morning Sam woke feeling much better. He showered and dressed. When he got to the dinning room, the two Napoleons were already sitting with breakfast in front of them. They were discussing taking over Puma, but there seem to be some confusion as to where exactly Puma was. Robert hadn’t shown up yet. Sam sat down and started eating. The Napoleons stopped talking and started their meal. Sam started to get concern about Robert.

 

“ General” Both Napoleons looked up. “Have either of you seen Robert this morning?” Blank stares. “Have you seen the Ambassador to Iceland this morning?”

 

“It’s Thursday,” stated Tall Napoleon like that explain everything.

 

Short Napoleon added, “It’s treatment day.”

 

Both Napoleons started eating again. Sam decided to finish and check on Robert on his way to Dr. Enys’ office.

 

Sam found Robert sitting on his bed looking out the window still in his pajamas. “Morning Robert. We missed you at breakfast.”

 

Robert never turned from the window. “Morning Sam. Aren’t you missing a doctor’s appointment?” 

 

Sam fought his anger. “Well as long as you’re all right. The Napoleons said something about treatment day.” He turned to leave.

 

Robert laughed. “Those rascals. Note to self; watch what is said in front of Napoleons. They are paying attention.”

 

Sam stopped and turned. Robert was looking at him. “What kind of treatments? Just curious.” 

 

“Well Sam every Thursday I have shock treatments and I found one shouldn’t eat before having the brain zapped. It leads to all kinds of unpleasantness.”

 

Sam was appalled. “You gave them permission for shock treatments?”

 

“No I did not. My sister did.”

 

Sam thought about seeing people given shock treatments on TV. Even Dean and Dad weren’t so cruel as to let them shock his brain.

 

“Sam, meet my sister and then tell me if you think she is cruel”

 

Shit! Sam couldn’t believe he said that out loud.

 

“While you’re at it, ask her why she is so determine to keep me alive.” Robert turned back to the window. “Run on to therapy.”

 

As Sam left Robert’s room, he passed an orderly with a gurney going in.

 

When Sam got to Dr. Enys’ office, another patient was leaving. After he had sat down, Dr. Enys smiled. “I’m glad you decided to stay.”

 

Sam smiled back. “Yeah, I realized I want to get well. What should we talk about today?”

 

“Anything you want.”

 

Sam thought about Robert’s sister. How she was trying to take care of her brother no matter how misguided she seemed. He wanted to talk about Dean. He only had Dean to depend on while growing up and he hated the thought that Dean would desert him now. 

 

Dr, Enys asked a profound question. “Sam, you tell me that Dean took care of you when your father left for days and you had no ideal when he would be back. Why do you think he wouldn’t be supportive and see this as a positive step?

 

Sam gave Dr. Enys an angry look. ‘Because he is just like Dad. He does exactly what Dad tells him. If I called him and told him I was in a mental hospital and it takes every ounce of strength just to function, he would laugh and say I was in the perfect place because I certainly can’t hack it in the real world. I always looked up to him and wanted to be like him. I believed every word he said-that Dad loved us.”

 

Dr. Enys lean toward Sam. “If you are having this much trouble with your mother’s death, how do you think Dean and your Dad feel? They still have memories of her- do you not think they feel her loss as deeply as you. Sam remember what I said yesterday. People deal with traumatic experiences in different ways.”

 

Sam stood up and started pacing. He was shaking. “Dad was obsessed with how Mom died. He took his anger out on us and the rest of the world.”

 

“Sam you’ve said your mother died, but not how.” Sam stopped in his tracks “Sam.” Dr. Enys paused. “How did your mother die?”

 

“She was murdered in our house.” Sam felt like a huge stone that was crushing him rolled off his chest. And with that release came tears. “No one helped her. I was a baby, Dean was four. Dad should have done something! He did nothing! He just dragged Dean and me all over the country looking for whoever killed her. He put that on our shoulders. We were little kids. He took our childhood away from us.” 

 

Sam dropped to his knees with his head in his hands. Dr. Enys knelt beside him and put his arm around him.

 

“This is what you need. Let all that hurt out, it has been kept in too long.”

 

Sam left Dr. Enys’ office feeling better than he thought possible. He was going to see the Napoleons and then thought of Robert. If the way Short Napoleon was treated was any indication, he should check on Robert. 

 

When he got to Robert’s room, Sam stopped just inside the door. Robert was lying in bed under the covers. His eyes closed and he was breathing like he had just run around the building for 10 minutes. 

 

“Hello”

 

Sam then noticed her sitting by the bed. As homely as Robert was, his sister was very pretty. If it wasn’t for the curly hair and crystal blue eyes, Sam would have asked if she was adopted. She had red hair to Robert’s dark and her eyes showed the joy of living.

 

She smiled. “I’m Delmelza, Robert’s sister. Are you one of the Napoleons?”

 

Sam smiled, “I’m Sam and I guess I’m one of the Napoleons. How is he?”

 

Delmelza looked at her brother. “He’s fine. His breathing will slow down-it’s one of the side effects of the treatment. I’m sorry. Please sit down.” Delmelza sat on the bed by Robert’s legs and motion for Sam to sit in the chair. “He’ll wake up in about an hour, although he claims he can hear everything.”

 

Sam sat in the chair. He thought Delmelza is a beautiful woman, but how could she allow her brother to receive shock treatments? “Why do you allow them to give Robert shock treatments? I’m sorry I don’t mean to pry. I’ve only been here for a couple of days. I didn’t know they still gave shock treatments.” Sam could not suppress a shutter.

 

Delmelza had the same unwavering gaze as her brother. “Because he is my only family and I miss and love my big brother. I would do anything to keep him alive. This is my last hope-nothing else has worked.” She held Robert’s hand. “I am in the room when they give him the treatments. They give him muscle relaxers and a sedative. He does not go into seizures. After the treatments, I spend the day with him to make sure he is all right.

The only side effects is this and short term memory lost.” Sam now saw he had made her angry. “Don’t you dare criticize me!”

 

Sam was ashamed. “I’m truly sorry. I have the same problem with depression as Robert-that’s why I’m here.” Sam stood up to leave.

 

Delmelza put her hand on his arm. “No, Sam I am the one to apologize. It’s been hard with Robert. Please sit down.”

 

Sam sat back down. He and Delmelza made small talk. He told her about Stanford and his hopes to become a lawyer. Delmelza told him that her and Robert’s parents were Irish immigrants and they passed away years before. She told him that she had hope Robert would have hooked up with the Gershwins because he was a professional piano player. Sam was surprised the Robert had a life outside of the hospital.

 

The lunch bell rang. Delmelza told him to go eat. Robert would wake soon and the doctor would be by. 

 

By the time, Sam got to the dinning room the two Napoleons were at the table. They had their lunch in front of them, but hadn’t started eating. Sam sat down and Marge brought his lunch over. When Sam started eating, the two Napoleons started eating. Neither asked about Robert.

 

Sam hurried thorough lunch. When got back to the room, Robert was sitting up talking to Delmelza. Both were drinking bottles of grape juice. Robert looked at Sam like he was trying to place him. 

 

“Robert this is Sam. You met him a couple of days ago.” Delmelza said as she moved to sit on the bed and offered Sam the chair.

 

Robert held out his hand. “Nice to meet you again, Sam.” Sam shook his hand and noticed the sadness was gone from Robert’s eyes. 

 

Over the course of the afternoon, Sam saw the Robert Delmelza is so desperate to save.

The Robert that won Dawn’s heart and the reason she stayed for 12 years. This Robert was funny and charming. The shock treatment seemed to have some positive effect. But it also made Robert very thirsty, hence the juice.

 

When the dinner bell rung, Delmelza offered to walk down to the dinning room and get Robert a sandwich. He said he wasn’t hungry, but she insisted. Sam sat with the two Napoleons for dinner. The staff seemed to know Delmelza and made a sandwich for her.

As she left the dinning room, she waved to Sam. Tall Napoleon said, “What is the Queen of Ireland doing here?” Sam had to agree.

 

An hour or so after dinner, Sam stopped by Robert’s room. Delmelza was getting ready to leave. “Sam, you’re just in time. Please walk Delmelza out of the ward. I don’t like the way the Elvises stare at her.”

 

Delmelza laughed. “The Elvises don’t know I exist.” She kissed Robert good-bye.

Sam walked her out of the ward. Delmelza thanked him and wished him a good night. Sam watched her go. It may be chick flick-bad romance novel, but Sam had fallen in love for the first time at first sight.

 

Sam stood in line for his sedative. He went back to his room, pulled the curtain and got into bed. He tried to do the math on how old Delmelza was and then decided it didn’t matter.

 

Sam woke in the middle of the night with a raging hard on. He dreamed he was making love with Delmelza. The world had narrowed down to just the two of them. She whispered she would always love him. Sam checked to make sure the curtain was still pulled and no one could see him. He pulled his boxers down and started jerking his penis. As he remembered the dream, he came with a soft moan. He knew he should clean up, but he pulled his boxers up and fell into a deep restful sleep.

 

TBC


	5. Chapter 5

  
Author's notes: For those who wanted Dean. Here's your Dean.  


* * *

Sam woke the next morning with a new appreciation of life. When he got to the dinning room, the two Napoleons were sitting at the table with breakfast in front of them watching Robert at the buffet. Robert was piling food on a plate like he hadn’t eaten in days. Sam started to get a bowl of fruit, Robert smiled at him, “Let’s eat!” When he and Robert got to the table the Napoleons started eating.

 

In therapy, Sam asked if there was a library, he missed reading the newspapers. Dr. Enys gave him a pass and told him to show it where ever he wanted to go to the library. They made small talk. Sam wasn’t ready to discuss Dad yet. Dr. Enys let him have the time.

 

The librarian showed Sam where the newspapers were stored and asked that he put them back when finished. There were out of state newspapers and well as the local paper. Sam got caught up in reading and decided he wasn’t hungry when the lunch bell rang. They didn’t seem to care if he missed one meal. When he stumbled across something weird, he wondered if that was where Dad and Dean were. He wished he could call and tell them where he was.

 

Sam felt them before he saw them. Robert was walking across the library with Napoleons in tow. When they stopped at the table, the Napoleons were frowning like Sam was in trouble. “Sam you’re part of the routine now. The Napoleons refused to eat because you were not there. They don’t like having their routine interrupted. Josephine had to make them eat.” Robert said in solemn voice.

 

Sam looked at the two Napoleons. “I’m sorry.”

 

The two Napoleons turned on their heels and walked away. Robert smiled at him. “Quick tell me all the news. My doctor doesn’t think I can handle news of the outside world.”

 

They heard a noise. The two Napoleons were standing in front of the librarian giving her the finger and giggling which the librarian failed to see the humor.

 

“I can’t take them anywhere. Remember the news Sam.” Robert hurried over to the Napoleons. “General, I saw Elvises lurking in the hall. We must save France.” The Napoleons hurried out of the library. Robert turned to the librarian. “I must apologize for my friends, they never did that before the Ambassador to the Ukraine showed up.” He hurried after the Napoleons.

 

Sam couldn’t help but laugh. And then he had a thought. For the first time in his life he had friends. Two wasn’t even on waving terms with reality, one ran hot and cold, but they were his friends. They looked for him because they missed him.

 

When the week was up, Sam asked Dr. Enys to stay longer. He agreed because Sam still had many things to face. Sam fell into a quiet routine with Robert and the Napoleons. They ate together, Sam never missed another meal. While the Napoleons bickered about how to take over the world, Robert taught Sam how to play chess. Sam told Robert all the news he read in the papers. It was quiet. Nothing strange attacked. No one pushed him to train for hunting. Sam felt he could breathe.

 

One day Sam asked Robert what he had against the Elvises. “They are mentally unstable.” 

 

Sam replied, “So are we.” 

 

“No, Sam we’re depressed. That makes us superior to the Elvises.”

 

Sam also learned the effects of shock treatments were temporary at best. Robert would seem fine until the following Monday. The sadness came back to his eyes and he stopped talking. Delmelza came on Thursday and Sam also made a point to visit with her. Sam fell more in love and that motivated him to get better.

 

After a month, Sam was ready to talk about Dad. He raged and he cried. Dad had abandoned him emotionally and physically. That was the root of his problems. He had only one parent and that parent kept leaving. Sam untied himself from his father and started to heal.

 

When Sam checked into the hospital they also took his cell phone. He was told he could check messages twice a week but he could not keep the cell phone. After leaving therapy, Sam was ready to check on the outside world. He turned on the cell phone. There were two messages. The first was from Stanford. The last date he could register for classes was the following Wednesday. If he failed to register, his scholarship and enrollment would be receded.

 

The second message was from Dean. Sam’s blood ran cold. “Sam where the hell are you? Call me. Sam just call me. I just want to know how you are.”

 

Sam took a deep breath. With shaking fingers, he dialed Dean’s number and braced himself.

 

“Dean Winchester.” The same clipped voice.

 

“Hey Dean.”

 

“Sam where have you been? I’ve tried calling you for a month I didn’t want to leave a message because I was afraid you wouldn’t call back. I finally left a message because I was worried.”

 

Sam hoped this sounded plausible. “Well, Dean I decide to screw and drink my way across country before I had to hunker down for school.”

 

Sam could hear the smile. “That’s my Sammy!”

 

“Gotta go Dean. Women to bang.”

 

“See ya Sam.”

 

“Dean. I miss Mom.”

 

Silence. Sam thought Dean had already hung up.

 

“Me too, Sam, me too.”

 

Sam heard the click. Something in him shifted. He made two more calls. Stanford to tell them he would be there by Wednesday. Then to the bus station. There was a bus leaving Dalton on Friday at 12:45 pm. Sam made a reservation. 

 

It was time to leave.

 

He would tell everyone tomorrow. Robert was scheduled for another treatment and would be feeling better on Friday. The Napoleons would have another routine soon enough. But his heart was already aching for Delmelza. 

 

Sam walked into the game room. The Napoleons were invading another misbegotten country. Robert was in a black mood setting up the chessboard. Sam sat down across from him. As he and Robert played, Sam thanked the Napoleons in his heart. Because of them, he would able to walk out of here in two days. They gave him shelter and friendship when he was at his lowest.

 

The next morning, he told the Napoleons over breakfast. He thought he saw something flicker in Tall Napoleon’s eyes. Short Napoleon put is finger to his lips. “Shhhhh! We don’t speak during meals” and went back to eating.

 

Sam told Dr. Enys he was leaving. “Do you feel ready to leave Sam.”?

 

“Yes.”

 

“Then you are ready to leave. Stop by tomorrow before you sign out.”

 

Robert was awake. When Sam saw Delmelza, the ache took his breath away. Robert congratulated him. Delmelza offered to take an early lunch and give him a ride to the bus station.

 

Friday morning finally came. Sam showered and packed his bag. He had one last breakfast with the Napoleons. Stopped by Dr. Enys’ office. Hugged and thanked him for all his help. Dr. Enys gave Sam the name and number of a doctor near Stanford. “In case you get into trouble.”

 

Robert and the Napoleons walked him to the office to sign out. Short Napoleon hugged him hard enough Sam thought he heard and felt a rib crack. Sam tried to hug Tall Napoleon but he wiggled out of his arms. Robert smiled and hugged him.

 

Josephine aka Alice gave him his belongs and the paper work to sign out. “Good Luck Sam.”

 

Then Delmelza walked though the outer door. “Ready to go?”

 

Sam nodded. He turned and the Napoleons waved good- bye. Sam waved back.

 

At the bus station, Sam asked Delmelza for a phone number so he could check on Robert. She gave him her number and hugged him good-bye. Sam thought my Blue-Eyed girl and hugged back.

 

Once on the bus, Sam watched her until he couldn’t see her anymore. He would become a lawyer and come back to Dalton to win the heart of his Blue-Eyed Girl.

 

TBC


	6. Chapter 6

Sam took to Stanford like a duck takes to June bugs. He enjoyed his classes. Every couple of weeks, he would call Delmelza. Robert was the same. The Napoleons were still overthrowing the world. Sam met a girl named Jess and moved in. Every time he and Jess had sex, he fantasized about making love to his Blue-Eyed Girl.

 

Then Dean showed up.

 

No warning. His past came full force and he couldn’t get out of the way. Dad was missing and Dean wanted his help looking for him.

 

Jess died just like Mom. 

 

Sam couldn’t stand the quilt over Jess. He had dragged her into path of the yellow-eyed demon. The world was crashing down on him. Dean tried to help him with the tears and nightmares. But Sam could only do one thing.

 

“Dr. Enys.”

 

“It’s Sam Winchester. I’m in trouble.”

 

Over the next year, Sam called Dr. Enys once a week. Since he hid the calls from Dean, he sometimes woke Dr. Enys up at night. But Dr. Enys never turned him away. In time, Dr. Enys became the less formal Doc. Sam tried to send him money when he could.

 

Sam kept in close contact with Delmelza. Robert was the same. The Napoleons were still overthrowing the world. Sam often wondered if Delmelza knew that she gave him so much comfort. She was the hope of a happy future.

 

To keep them safe, Sam never gave them a phone number or e-mail address. He always contacted them.

 

They found Dad. Dean almost died after the car crash. Sam made peace with his father just in time for his death. Dean took it hard. Sam tried to help him just as Doc was helping him.

 

Sam called Delmelza. He needed her consul on dealing with Dean. Robert answered the phone. 

 

“Sam, they finally scrambled my brains in the right direction.”

 

He was so glad his friend was back. If Robert could hold on, then Sam could hold on.

 

On cold night, Sam was stabbed in the back. As he was dying in Dean’s arms, he thought I’d never see Delmelza again. She’ll never know how much I love her.

 

Then there’s the Resurrection. Sam had a second chance at life at the cost of Dean’s soul.

 

Sam was going to lose the closest person to him. He was now in Delmelza’s place. He was desperate to save the big brother who was just as determined to die. He was back to talking to Doc once a week. Delmelza and Robert were warm comfort and hope.

 

Dean wanted to celebrate Christmas. It took all of Sam’s momentum to get a tree and present for Dean. But he was glad he did. 

 

2008 got off to a bad start. Between Dean’s deal and trying to save him, Sam was exhausted. He couldn’t bear to be far from Dean, so his calls to Doc tapered off. Worst he hadn’t spoken to Delmelza and Robert since Thanksgiving.

 

TBC


	7. Chapter 7

2008

 

Sam decided to call Delmelza and Robert. It has been so long since he talked to them. He needed to hear their voices.

 

“Hello”

 

“Hey Delmelza.”

 

Silence. Then he heard the sob.

 

Sam’s heart stopped beating. “OH NO! NO!”

 

“Robert killed himself after New Year’s. Sam I didn’t know how to find..”

 

Sam hung up the phone as he slid from the bed to the floor. He was on his hands and knees.

 

No, no! He did it! He finally did it! Robert was over-and-done. How could he hold on now? Sam wailed in pain and grief. He was paralyzed. He had to get to Dalton and see Doc. All he could think was Dean come back. Please Dean come back! 

 

Dean was driving back to the hotel. He had a little buzz working for him. Bang some faceless chick in the bathroom at the only bar in this stinking town. He brought a six-pack of beer. Sam was so moody lately. Dean was going to get him good and drunk. And to make sure ole Sammy got there Dean would walk him himself.

 

Dean parked in front of the door and got out. He heard a wail that made the hair on the back of his neck stand up. It was Sam. Dean dropped the beer and bottles shattered.

He ran for the door. “SAM!! SAM!!

 

Dean burst through the door. He saw Sam lying on the floor curled in a ball, wailing like someone was tearing the skin from his body. He pulled Sam up. “Sam what happened. What’s wrong?”

 

Sam grabbed Dean’s jacket. “He did it Dean! He killed himself! Dean I have to leave! I have to go to Dalton! Please help me.”

 

Sam was crying to hard and talking so fast Dean couldn’t understand him. It sounded like one incoherent word. Dean grabbed Sam’s head and made him look at Dean.

 

“Sam I can’t understand you. Calm down.”

 

Sam swallowed. Tried to calm down. “Robert killed himself. Dean…. He finally killed himself.”

 

“Sam who is Robert? You’re not making any sense.”

 

Sam pushed Dean away from him. Dean fell on his butt with the wind knock out of him. Sam scrambled backwards until he hit the nightstand between the beds. Dean thought the lamp was going to fall on Sam. 

 

Sam started to breath heavy. “In 2002 on the way to Stanford, I checked myself into a mental hospital. I was depressed and suicidal.” Sam began to shake. “Robert was a patient there. We became friends. He killed himself two months ago. I need to go to Dalton; I have a doctor there. I’m in trouble, Dean, real trouble. Please don’t laugh or make fun of me.”

 

Dean stared at Sam in shock. He felt dread rising in his throat like bile. “Suicide Sam.”

 

It must have sound harsh to Sam because he pushed himself off the floor and past Dean. Dean tried to grab him. Sam got to the bathroom, slammed the door.

 

Dean ran to the door and started pounding on it. “Sam open this door! Please Sam opened the door!” Dean realized in his blind panic he was yelling. He thought of the razors in his toiletry bag he left in the bathroom. “Sam please come out I won’t make fun of you. Please Sam.” Wait a minute Dean thought; Sam said he had a doctor. 

 

Dean found Sam’s phone on floor between the beds. He flipped it open, pressed contacts. He looked through the list until he found a number he didn’t recognize. His hands were shaking so bad it took four tries to press the number in. It was so late. He hoped he didn’t get voice mail.

 

“Dr. Enys.”

 

“This is Dean Winchester, Sam’s brother.”

 

“Dean is Sam with you. Is he all right?”

 

“He found out someone named Robert killed himself and he is hysterical. Sam’s lock in the bathroom and he” Dean paused. “He could hurt himself.”

 

“Dean the fact Sam told you about me means he doesn’t want to hurt himself. How much do you know?”

 

“He told me about the hospital and that is where he met Robert.”

 

“Dean tell Sam I’m on the phone.”

 

Dean walks to the bathroom door.

 

“Sam, Dr. Enys is on the phone.”

 

The door flew open. Sam grabbed the phone. He listened to what Doc said and nodded.

 

“Doc wants to talk to you Dean.”

 

“Dean can you bring Sam to Dalton tomorrow? I will meet you at my office.”

 

Dean was nodding. “Yes we can be there tomorrow.”

 

Doc gave him the address. “I told Sam to stay close to you. Dean try not to worry.”

 

After Dean hung up, he went into the bathroom and got his toiletry bag. He told Sam to take a shower and go to bed. While Sam was in the shower, Dean gather up all the weapons in the room, lock them in the truck of the Impala and hid the keys.

 

Sam got into bed. Dean got into his. Instead of sleeping, Dean wondered what kind of brother had his head so far up his own ass he didn’t see this coming.

 

TBC


	8. Chapter 8

  
Author's notes: Thank you for reading my story. I am very appreciative. Chapter 8 deals with a character’s suicide so be advised.  


* * *

Chapter 8

 

Dean lay in bed and watched Sam toss all night. He was exhausted both physically and mentally. 

 

Sam got out of bed around 4 am. Dean listened unmoving as Sam went into the bathroom. He only let out the breath he was holding when he heard the toilet flush. Sam came out of the bathroom and sat on the bed. Dean got up and went into the bathroom. When he came out Sam was waiting.

 

“I can take a bus, Dean. You don’t have to come with me.”

 

Dean started dressing. “I’m going with you. Finish getting dressed and I’ll pack the car.”

 

Dean went out to the parking lot and got the extra blankets and pillows out of the trunk. He made a bed in the backseat of the Impala in hopes that Sam would finally go to sleep. That way Dean wouldn’t have to worry about what Sam was thinking of doing.

 

Sam came out of the room with the rest of his and Dean’s bags.

 

“Sam I made you a bed in back. You didn’t sleep much and it’s a long trip.”

 

Sam looked at the bed. He really didn’t want to sleep, he may dream of Robert. Sam crawls into the bed and pulls the covers around him. He lay on his side with his back to the seat and pulled his long legs up. Dean tucked him in and closed the door. Dean started the car and decided to get coffee when he stopped for gas. By the time Dean merged onto I-75 south, Sam was asleep.

 

After stopping for gas and coffee, Dean heard Sam’s soft snoring and turn the radio on low. He would need more than coffee to keep his mind off what had happened. He remembered the times Dad would be so irritated that Sam would spend so much time in the bedroom or was moody. Dean honestly thought Sam was moody because of their lifestyle. One day Sam would be fine and the next day, Sam was ….no getting along with him. Did Sam even try to tell Dean about his depression? Dean SHOULD have known. They were together 24/7. Sam had to know that Dean would have helped him in any way. While the interstate stretched out in front of him, Dean could only berate himself.

*****

Sam was standing in the stark, white hallway of Dalton County Hospital. He could see the door leading into the game room. Sam willed himself to walk toward the door. Robert is at a table setting up the chessboard and monitions for him to sit. Sam sits across from Robert. It was like the last six years had never happened. Robert looked the same as he did when Sam first met him. 

 

Robert smiled. “Sam, I’ve been waiting for you.” Robert continues to set up the chessboard. “You’re wondering why did I do it?” 

 

Sam held his breath. 

 

The sadness was back in Robert’s eyes. “It was time. Unlike you Sam, I was never going to get better. I dearly love Delmelaz and all I was doing was hurting her. She deserves to be happy and as long as I was in the way, she was never going to be. Sam, you have a good chance at life-take it.”

 

This just pissed Sam off. How dare Robert try to justify what he did. 

 

The gunshot was deafing.

 

*****

 

Sam shot up in the backseat screaming. Dean skidded to the shoulder of the interstate and stopped the Impala. 

 

Sam clawed at the door trying to get out of the Impala. By the time, Dean was out the driver’s side door and running around the back of the car. Sam was on the ground dry heaving. Dean was on knees beside him putting his arms around Sam. 

 

“Sammy, Sammy”.

 

Sam put his head on Dean’s stomach and cried until he could no longer hear the gunshot.

*****

Sam was sitting in the front passenger seat looking straight out the windshield because he couldn’t look at Dean.

 

“Sam, you want something to eat or coffee? We’re just outside of Knoxville, Tennessee. We should be in Dalton in 3-4 hours.” Dean waited for Sam to answer. “You should really eat." Dean waited. "Sam come on, please talk to me.”

 

“Some coffee would be good.”

 

They pulled off the interstate and went thru the first drive-thru they found. Dean ordered two cups of coffee and two hamburgers-hoping Sam would eat one. Then they were back on the interstate heading south. 

 

It was mid morning when they pulled off the interstate in Dalton, Georgia. It was a beautiful Sunday-the sun was shining, birds were singing. Dean followed Sam's directions for Dr. Enys ' office. By the time Dean got the Impala in park, Sam was out the car and headed for the door to the building. 

 

Dean walked into the building and saw a door with Dr. Dwight Enys and went in. Sam was talking to a man wearing a Georgia Bulldogs sweatshirt and jeans.

 

"Sam go on back to the office. I need to talk to Dean."

 

Sam disappeared thru another door. "Dean I'm Dr. Enys." He and Dean shook hands. "There is some coffee-help yourself. I'll talk to Sam and with his permission, invite you back to the office."

 

As Doc turned to leave, Dean grabbed his arm. "I'm going back there now."

 

"No Dean, you're not. Sam has the right to privacy. He will determine what you will know." Doc pulled his arm away and disappeared thru the door.

 

Dean drunk all the coffee and made a second pot. He mutilated four magazines by tearing them into strips only to decide if Dr. Enys saw them he would think Dean didn't have proper toilet training. Dean scooped them up and threw them in the nearest wastes basket. Dr. Enys came out to the waiting room as Dean was trying to see how long it would take to pace a groove into the floor.

 

"Dean come back to the office."

 

Dean followed Dr. Enys back to his office. Sam was sitting on the sofa next to the armrest. His hand was covering his eyes like he didn't want to look at Dean.

 

"Have a seat Dean." Dean sat next to Sam on the sofa. Dr. Enys sat in a chair across from them. "In 2002 Sam came to my office with symptoms of 

suicidal depression. I recommended he voluntary check himself into a mental hospital-which he did. He has had continued therapy off and on over the past six years."

 

Dr. Enys continued. "While Sam was in the hospital, he made friends with Robert and two other gentlemen Sam calls the Napoleons. He became very close with them especially Robert who also had suicidal depression. After Sam was released from the hospital, he kept in close contact with Robert and formed a close friendship with Robert's sister Delmelza." Dr. Enys paused to look at Sam. Sam took his hand down from his face and looked at Dr. Enys. Dean put his hand on Sam's knee and squeezed. "Robert killed himself two months ago. Sam wants to stay and try to get back on his feet."

 

Dean looked at Dr. Enys in surprise. "You want me to commit Sam to a hospital?"

 

"No Dean. Six years ago Sam was eighteen, alone and scared. The hospital was the best place for him. He didn't feel he could call you or your father."

 

Dean looked at Sam. "Sam why didn't you call? We would have come. You have to know that!"

 

Dr. Enys leaned over the touched Dean's arm. "Please watch you tone. I know this is a lot to process and you feel blindsided. Sam needs to know you will support this. I encourage him to allow you to help him. There is a hotel close to the hospital. Families of patients stay there at a good rate."

 

"I'm staying. Will you stay Dean?" The question came from Sam.

 

Dean looked at Sam and squeezed his knee. "Yeah, I'll stay."

 

Dr. Enys smiled. "Here is my card. Just give it to the clerk when you check in. I am also giving Sam a mild sedative. I what both of you to go to the hotel, get something to eat and sleep. I can tell you both are exhausted. Sam and I have set up a time starting tomorrow for therapy. I can also give you, Dean, the same sedative."

 

Dean shook his head. "No I'm fine."

 

"Dean, Sam needs you and you won't be of any help if you can't function."

 

Dean nodded and took the small envelopes with the sedatives inside.

 

After checking in, Sam and Dean got sandwiches from the small diner next door. They ate half in their room. Sam took the sedative and went to sleep. Dean was about to take his sedative when his cell phone buzzed. It was Bobby. Dean took the phone in the bathroom.

 

"Hey Dean. A hunter in Idaho needs some help with some kind of water creature. You and Sam interested?"

 

"No Bobby. Sam's sick and we need to lay low a little while."

 

"What's wrong with Sam?" Bobby asked with concern. 

 

Dean debated on telling Bobby. "Did Sam ever mention being depressed? You know unhappy."

 

"Dean, boy what is going on? What is wrong with Sam?"

 

"Bobby, Sam was in a mental hospital six years ago with suicidal depression. He didn't tell Dad or me. We're in Dalton, Georgia so he can see his doctor. He had a breakdown or something. I can't leave him."

 

Bobby's voice soften, "Don't worry Dean. Call me if you need to."

 

Dean hung up and went back into the sleeping area. Sam was still asleep. Dean sat on Sam's bed and bent down to kiss his forehead. "You should have told me", he whispered. Dean took his sedative and crawled into his bed and fell into a dreamless sleep.

 

TBC


	9. Chapter 9

  
Author's notes: Thank you for reading.  


* * *

Chapter 9

 

Sam’s appointment was 12:30 – 1:30 daily for the next week, so he and Dean would get in to the routine of walking to the diner next to the hotel for breakfast and spend the rest of the morning in the room. They would read the newspaper or channel surf until time to leave. While Sam was seeing Doc, Dean would try to flirt with the receptionist. She just gave him a smile and a cup of coffee.

 

Doc and Sam sat in the same two chairs they had sat in when Sam come to the office years before.

 

“Sam you want to talk about Robert?”

 

Sam took a deep breath. Robert, how to talk about Robert?

 

“For so long I felt if Robert could hold on, I could hold on. He seemed fine when I spoke to him last.”

 

Doc patiently waited. He gave Sam time to collect his thoughts.

 

Sam leaned his elbows on his knees and put his head in his hands. “I deserted them. I thought they were fine.” Sam leaned back in his chair. “They gave me so much –when they needed me I wasn’t there.”

 

“When you say they Sam-who do you mean? Do you think you could have stopped Robert?”

 

Sam stood up. “I should have been…. I knew what Robert was like. I knew that it was so easy for him to lose his way. I knew, no know, what it is like to use every ounce of momentum to get thru the day. Do you know what it is like to wake up in the morning and know the best you can do is put one foot in front of the other? I know that feeling. Robert knew that feeling.” Sam stopped, breathing heavy, he sat down. “Doc the world is slipping away from me.”

 

“Sam you are not alone. Dean is here with you and he has made a commitment to stay as long as you need him.”

 

“Dean has only a few months to live.” He never said the words out loud.

 

Doc was surprised-Dean looked healthy as a horse. “Is Dean sick?”

 

Sam nodded, but decided not to go into the deal thing. “He is going to die and I’m going to be alone in this crappy world. He is all I have-the only family. In six years I have not connected with another human being. What the hell I’m I saying-I have nothing to offer another human being. I can’t give the woman I’ve been in love with for the past six years any kind of life, and I can’t bear the thought of living the next however many years alone.”

 

“Who is the woman you love?” asked Doc.

 

Sam hadn’t meant to say anything about Delmelza. He hadn’t even told Dean about her. 

“Robert’s sister, Delmelza.”

 

“Why Sam do you think you have nothing to offer? You told me you two had struck up a close friendship. Delmelza called here after Robert’s death to see if I knew any way to get a hold of you. Please consider speaking with her. You can make up for past mistakes.”

 

Sam nodded. 

 

“Do you want to talk about Dean?”

 

Sam shook his head. “I have to work up to Dean.”

 

“That’s fine Sam. We have time. How have you been sleeping? I know you had problems with vivid dreams in the past.”

 

Sam thought of his dream about Robert and heard the gunshot. “No problems sleeping.”

 

Dean drove back to the hotel worried that Sam looked so wiped out. Did this mean he was getting better? After they got back to the hotel, Sam said he needed the car. He had someone to visit. Dean gave him the keys. 

 

Sam pulled into the parking lot of the Dalton County Hospital. He wasn’t sure what he expected to find here. He sat in the car and remembered that here with the Napoleons and Robert he had found something that was as close to a home as he had ever known. 

 

Sam walked up to the caged office on the mental ward. There was Josephine aka Alice training a younger woman new to the job. The younger woman saw Sam and approached.

 

“Are you here to visit a patient?” She said with a nervous smile.

 

Sam smiled back. “I’m here to visit the Napoleons.”

 

The younger woman looked puzzled. That is when Josephine stepped forward. “You were one of the Napoleons. An ambassador?” Josephine said with a smile.

 

Sam laughed. “The Ambassador to the Ukraine. How are you?”

 

“I’m fine. Dear, I’m sorry to tell you the Napoleons are no longer with us.”

 

Sam’s smile faded. “What do you mean?”

 

Josephine told Sam that Short Napoleon aka Jerry died of a heart attack in his sleep two years before. Tall Napoleon aka Leonard suffered a stoke recently and his family moved him to a nursing home. She could try to find out which one if Sam liked. Sam said no. Sam never thought of them as having real names and missed them terribly.

 

Sam smiled at Josephine. “Thank you for all your help.” He turned to leave.

 

Josephine said, “Robert was so nice to come and see Leonard after Jerry died. They would sit in the game room playing Monopoly. Suddenly Robert stopped coming after Leonard’s stoke. Have you spoken to Robert?”

 

Sam shook his head and felt he had been punched in the gut. Sam remembered that at one time he thought the Napoleons and Robert were all he had hold on to. Did Robert feel the same way?

 

Josephine and the younger woman turned back to their work. Sam sneaked back to the game room and found the old Monopoly game. He took the remaining game pieces and put them in his pocket. He would make a mojo bag out of them. Maybe it would give him the strength to do what he needed to do.

 

TBC


	10. Chapter 10

  
Author's notes: As always thank you for reading  


* * *

Chapter 10

 

Doc had finished his morning sessions at the hospital and was on his way to his office. He usually reserved 12 noon to 1:30 for lunch and paperwork, but if a patient needed extra time, it was made available. Doc decided to go through Wendy’s drive thru for a chicken sandwich. He usually packed a lunch, but did have anything at home he wanted. Oh who, was he kidding; he was addict to those sandwiches. 

 

Sam was scheduled to come in for his appointment. Doc knew that for everything Sam told him, he was holding back just as much. Some patients were chatty because they were anxious to get something off their chests. Some you had to gently nudge to get talking. But Sam was obsessed with privacy and Doc knew not to push. Sam had to trust him or he would be of no help. 

 

Doc finally got to the window and paid for his food and drink. He pulled the sandwich out of the bag and took a big bite. Boy, this is so good. Sam and Dean were devoted to each other, Doc wondered if they ever had to be surgical separated. They had been physically and emotionally dependent on each other for many years, but Doc could sense the under laying anger they had toward each other. Sam always considered their father neglectful, but commented several times that Dean was close their father. They also suffered the trauma of their mother’s death. Dean was around four if his memory served him right, so Dean would have stronger memories than Sam. It was quite common to ask siblings about the same set of parents and two different answers. It all depended on where you fell in the family hierarchy. Favorite Son or to paraphrase Tommy Smothers, Dad always liked you best.

 

Doc took another bite of his sandwich and cursed the noontime traffic. Doc wanted to bring Dean in for one of their sessions. If Dean died before Sam could deal with his feelings, then Sam’s love would turn to resentment and anger. Sam always had trouble separating from people. In his years of treating Sam, one thing was clear. Every time Sam took one step forward, something would knock him two steps back. He had to be careful on how he approached the subject. Even if Sam said yes, Dean may not.

 

Doc pulled into his parking space at his office and put the last of his sandwich in his mouth and washed it down with Mountain Drew. Next time he should consider getting two sandwiches.

 

 

Sam told Doc about going to the hospital and the Napoleons. They talked about what Sam hoped to accomplish with the visit. Doc asked Sam if he talked with Delmelza. Sam let it be known that that subject was for another day.

 

“Sam, I want to ask you about something. What do you think about Dean joining one of our sessions?”

 

Before he even finished the question Sam was shaking his head no. “What would Dean have to contribute? He doesn’t believe in this stuff any way.”

 

“It is common to ask family members to participate in therapy. Sam I believe you have unresolved emotional issues with Dean. You have told me that he is ill and doesn’t have long to live and I’m worried what will happen if you don’t resolve these issues now. I’m worried what progress you’ve made will suffer a set back. This doesn’t have to be decided now. But I do want you to think about something-Dean could say no. Some family members are happy to help and some feel they are being set up to take blame. If Dean says no, you and I will deal with that in this room.”

 

Sam was quiet, but Doc could see he was thinking about it. Finally Sam said, “Let’s ask him.” Sam was certain Dean would say no.

 

Docs called his receptionist and ask her to send Dean back. Doc then opened the door. Dean walked into the room. He looked worried.

 

Doc shook Dean’s hand. “Have a seat Dean. We have something to ask you.” Dean sat on the sofa and looked at Sam and Doc. “Dean, Sam and I would like for you to consider joining us for a session. I have found it is helpful for families to participate in therapy.”

 

Dean looked at Sam. “Sam do you think this is a good idea.”

 

“Yes, Dean I do.”

 

Dean looked at Doc. “When do you want to do this?”

 

“Tomorrow or in a couple of days. When do you guys think?”

 

Dean said, “Tomorrow. The sooner the better.”

 

Sam nodded his agreement.

 

The next morning Dean and Sam only had coffee. They were both nervous about the day’s session. Dean regretted agreeing to this. On the way to Doc’s office, Dean asked Sam what he had told Doc.

 

“He knows nothing about hunting, your deal-he thinks you’re sick.”

 

“Any thing else?”

 

“I told him Mom was murdered but no how. Just stay away from the supernatural and we’ll be alright.” 

 

They were sitting on the sofa in Doc office. Doc explained the ground rules. It was neutral ground, no insults, no accusations. The goal was to help Sam get healthy.

Dean looked at Sam. “Well, one thing has been brothering me. Sam why did you think you couldn’t tell me about hospital? Why didn’t you call me and tell me where you were?”

 

“You were happy running all over the country with Dad. He wouldn’t have come and because he wouldn’t have come neither would you. You always did what he said no matter what.”

 

Forget ground rules-the stress of the last few days made Dean pissed. “We were in California because Dad wanted to make sure you were alright. We couldn’t find you. We both were worried. Yes if we knew you were in a hospital for any reason, we would have come. And if he had refused, I would have given him two choices. Come with me or I come alone. ”

 

“Are we talking about the same Dad, Dean? The Dad who left us alone for days with barely enough food to eat. And when he was around, he couldn’t be bothered to spend any time with us. He dragged us from town to town. Dean we have no one outside of each other.” Sam stood up. “And I am sick of listening to you defend that bastard for the way he treated us.” Sam turned to Doc. “This was a mistake. I want Dean to leave.”

 

Dean stood up and turned Sam to face him. “You want to talk about who lost what and who lost the most? I remember Dad before Mom died. I remember the Dad that always kissed and said he loved us before he left for work. I remember the Dad that always played racecars with me after dinner. If I don’t want to let go of him, the hell with you Sam. He could be a selfish, obsessed bastard because he buried the best of himself with Mom.”

 

“And Dean you are your father’s son-the same selfish, obsessed bastard. You think of no one but yourself.”

 

Doc started to step in when Dean grab the front of Sam’s shirt. “I made that deal because of you Sam! I was supposed to take care of you. Every since I was little it was take care of Sam-watch out for Sam. Well no body was taking care of me! Sam what do you think this last year as been about. I stayed with Dad because I didn’t want to be alone. All I wanted was a family-just us and Dad, but you left. You know what? I blame Dad for forcing me to make this deal. All the guilt and bullshit he laid at my feet. I don’t deserve to go to hell for him or you, Sam.” Sam looked as if he had been slapped. 

 

Sam pushed Dean away. “Why the hell didn’t you leave me at Stanford? I was happy and I had plans for a life. I was out of hunting. I was getting better, handling the depression. And you come storming in. Dean if I hadn’t gone with you, Jess would still be alive.”

 

“Sam, you’re blaming me for Jess? WHAT ELSE IS MY FAULT?” Dean yelled.

 

“No Dean! I have to take the blame for Jess. But how much to I have to sacrifice? How much do you have to sacrifice?”

 

In Doc’s experience the ground rules usually went out the window-but usually not so quickly. Doc decided to let things play out.

 

“Dean you made a deal for your soul. Don’t you realize how that makes me feel? I can’t do this-I can’t watch you die. Mom is gone. Dad is gone. Dean, I’ll have no one. The worst part is you are doing nothing to save yourself. Not only to you think so little of yourself, but you think so little of me.”

 

“Sam it is because I think so much of you, that I can do this. Why are we still arguing over this moot point? Sam I made a mistake in a long list of mistakes, but it is mistake I would gladly make again.” All the anger seemed to go out of Dean. “Sam you are everything to me, you’re my brother. You’re right-I should have left you at Stanford.”

 

Sam was seeing a different side of Dean, after all these years. Dean was just as hurt as he was. 

 

Dean sat down and tears finally came. “I remember that night like it was last night. Holding you and shivering on the front lawn, watching that house burn with Mom in it. We all lost Mom. Sam don’t you get it—Dad, you, me this is how we pay for our grief.”

 

Sam put his arms around Dean and started to cry. It was the first time he and Dean cried together. Neither one cried for Dad-they just fought. Maybe if they had reached out for each other like this, they would have stronger together and separate.

 

Dean put his arms around Sam. “Now you have to get ready to live and fight without me. I’m so sorry Sam. Please forgive me.”

 

Sam hugged Dean. “I always forgive you.”

 

Doc didn’t understand much of the exchange, but he felt both men had made necessary progress. Now they were getting to the healthy emotion both had tried to stifle. He left the office, because he felt the brothers needed the time alone.

 

When Sam and Dean left his office, Doc was sitting with the receptionist doing paperwork. The brothers said good-bye and went back to the hotel. Each lay down on his bed. Dean went to sleep. It was time to let go of his anger at Dean over the deal. If anyone was to blame it was Dad and he would take a lot longer to forgive.

 

 

Sam looked at the clock. It was 5 pm and Dean was still asleep. Sam got up and found the car keys. He left a note for Dean that he would be back soon. 

 

Sam found the house. Mapquest for once had good directions. It was a small white house with steps leading up to the front door. There wasn’t a car in the driveway, so Sam parked on the street. He walked up and sat on the steps. He tried to think of what he could say. 

 

A blue Tercel turned into the driveway. Delmelza got out and look at the Impala parked on the street. She started to walk to the steps and then saw Sam. She was wearing a black and white sleeveless dress. If Sam ever needed reminding why he was in love with her all these years, now he saw why. Unruly red hair and crystal blue eyes. 

 

She stood still and stared at him. Sam was starting to get nervous she didn’t want him here when she walked up and hugged him. Sam hugged her back. He buried his face in her hair. He has missed her so much. 

 

Delmelza pulled back. “I’m so glad to see you. It was so long since we talked. Come in the house.”

 

Sam followed her up the steps and into the house. “Make yourself at home. I’ll change out of my work clothes. You want something to drink?” Delmelza spoke as she was walking through the house. Sam looked around the small living room. He saw the pictures and walked over to get a better look. One was of Robert and Delmelza standing in front of a huge ice cream cone. They were smiling with their sunglasses pushed up on top of their heads. The same smile, the same blue eyes. Sam had to smile with them. He looked at the second picture. It was a man with a little girl. They had the same sweet goofy smile. They must be cousins or something. The phone rang and he heard

Delmelza answer it. She said an old friend had stop by and she would call who ever back later.

 

Delmelza came into the living room wearing a purple top that showed off her red hair and blue eyes. She was wearing blue jean shorts that came down to her knees. She was barefoot. Sam decided he had a foot fetish.

 

“I was going to order pizza for dinner. Can you stay and eat with me?”

 

Sam smiled. “Yeah.”

 

They ordered the pizza and Delmelza poured them some ice tea. They made small talk until the pizza arrived. She asked about Dean and what he was doing in town. Dean is fine and he needed to see Doc. They talked about everything but Robert.

 

They finished eating and went into the living room. Sam asked about the ice cream picture. Robert and Delmelza had gone to a family wedding in Alabama and on the way back saw a sign for the world’s biggest ice cream cone. They stopped and had one of the other tourists take their picture.

 

“It’s the last picture I have of him.”

 

Sam took Delmelza’s hand. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here for you.” Sam looked into that unwavering stare Delmelza shared with her brother. “I should have kept in better touch.”

 

Delmelza squeezed his hand. “Sam I had done all I could. I still don’t know what happened. I came home one evening and he was gone.” Delmelza eyes filled with tears. “Two days later he was found. He shot himself. I don’t know who I was more mad at-him for finally figuring out how to kill himself or me for not seeing the warning signs. Sam, Robert had a chemical imbalance that was why he seemed to be better and then suddenly fall into despair. All the drugs and shock treatments just didn’t help.”

 

“Delmelza he loved you.”

 

“I know Sam.”

 

“How did you get through it? You have no other family.” Sam may need this advice before too long.

 

Delmelza got up off the sofa and grabbed the second picture. She showed it the Sam. “Brad and Annie. I’ve been dating Brad for the last six or so months. That’s his daughter Annie. Her mother left when she was a baby, and they have been on their own ever since. Annie is nine and just like her father. Sam I don’t know what I would have done without them. I stay very close to them.”

 

Sam felt his heart drop. He looked at the picture at this guy’s goofy grin and thought you’re not good enough for Delmelza. Just then Sam’s cell rang. He checked it and it was Dean. Sam put it back in his pocket.

 

“Whose calling you?’

 

“Its just Dean probably wanting to know when I will be back to the hotel.”

 

Sam’s phone kept ringing and Sam was about to turn it off. “Answer Sam. I remember the panic when I would call and Robert didn’t answer.”

 

Sam answered and told Dean he was visiting a friend and on his way back to the hotel. Delmelza kept a couple of slices for lunch the next day and sent the rest back with Sam.

 

“Why don’t you and Dean come to dinner tomorrow night. Brad is making beef stew and makes enough for a small village. I would like for you to meet him and Annie. Since you met my brother, I want to meet your’s.”

 

She walked him to his car and hugged him good-bye.

 

When Sam got back to the hotel, Dean was channel surfing. He gave Dean the pizza and told him about the dinner invitation. Sam went to take a shower. He knew Dean had a nap, but he looked so tired. Sam wondered if he looked that tired after a session.

 

Sam dressed in a t-shirt and sweat pants and got into bed. Dean was still eating the pizza and finally settled on some talk show. Sam pulled the covers up and watched tv.

 

“Hey Sammy.”

 

Sam looked at Dean.

 

“Those guys at the hospital-why did you get so attached to them?”

 

Sam thought for a minute. “Because we had no pasts. We just accepted each other in the present.” Sam looked Dean. “I didn’t have to be a hunter, son or brother. I just had to be me, whatever that was.”

 

Dean nodded and looks back at the tv.

 

“Dean.”

 

Dean looks at Sam again. Sam wanted to tell him that he loved him and that he would not have missed this time with him. That he knew Dean loved him just as much. Only the words couldn’t find the way out.

 

“I know Sam. We’re good.”

 

TBC


	11. Chapter 11

  
Author's notes: As always, thank you for reading.  


* * *

Chapter 11

 

When Sam and Dean got back to the room after breakfast, they started sorting laundry. Sam also told Dean how he expected Dean to act at dinner. No cussing, no dirty jokes, Dean would eat what is put in front of him, and no talking with his mouth full.

 

“Use my napkin instead of my sleeve. Sam! I know how to act in front of respectable people.”

 

Sam kept looking in his bag for dirty clothes. “You do the laundry while I see Doc.”

 

Dean stopped and looked at Sam. “Wait a minute. I’m going with you to see Doc.”

 

Sam still looking for dirty clothes. “Not this time.”

 

Dean’s heart dropped. “Is this about yesterday?”

 

“No Dean. I’m feeling better and I want to go alone. I’ll bring back lunch.”

 

Dean was walking down the outer hall of the hotel toward the guest laundry room when Sam pulled out of the parking lot.

 

 

Doc walked into the lobby of his office and saw Sam waiting. Alone. This was worrisome; Dean had always come with Sam. Even his receptionist seemed disappointed. Doc held the door and invited Sam back to the office.

 

They got settled into the chairs.

 

“Sam, I notice Dean isn’t with you. Did any problems come up from yesterday’s session?”

 

Sam shook his head. “No. I think yesterday helped Dean as well as me.”

 

Doc nodded.

 

Sam smiled at Doc. “I went to Delmelza’s house and saw her.”

 

Doc smiled because this was good news. “How did it go?”

 

“It went well. We had pizza and talked.” Sam paused. “We talked about Robert. She invited Dean and I over for dinner tonight.”

 

“So you and Delmelza are reconnecting. You mentioned in an earlier session that you..”

 

“She has a boyfriend with a daughter.”

 

Doc brace for a set back. “How does that make you feel?”

 

“I have nothing to offer her. It’s good that she met someone.” Sam hoped he sound more convincing to Doc because he sure as hell didn’t sound convincing to himself.

 

“Sam, you would be surprise at what you have to offer a mate.”

 

Sam decided to change the subject. “Dean and I are leaving tomorrow. We have to get back to work. I feel better and stronger. I need to start letting go of…. I couldn’t help Robert. I need to stop concentrating on things I can’t change and start concentrating on things I can. Dean needs me. I can help him.”

 

Sam finally looked at Doc. Doc smiled at him. “When a patient can explain what is wrong, I know how much progress as been made.”

 

Doc walked Sam to the lobby and they shook hands. When Sam walked out of the building, he knew it would only be a matter of time before he was back.

 

Sam stopped at a Mexican restaurant and got tacos for him and Dean. When he got back to the room, Dean was folding laundry. Who knew a small north Georgia town had the best tacos Sam ever ate?

 

“Dean, I told Doc we were leaving tomorrow.”

 

Dean stopped chewing. “Are you sure?”

 

Sam took a bite and chewed. “Yeah. I’m feeling better and we need to work on finding a way to save you. I couldn’t do anything for Robert and that’s what caused..” Sam looked at Dean. “I can help you.”

 

Dean took at bite and said with a full mouth. “’kay. Dude, we have to come back to Dalton for the tacos.”

 

Sam not only dressed himself for dinner, but also dressed Dean. Sam wore a light blue button down shirt over a black t-shirt with the tail tucked into his gray dress pants. Dean wanted to wear a t-shirt with jeans. Sam made him wear a light green button down shirt that showed off his eyes with black dress pants with HIS shirt tucked in. They stood in front of the mirror as Sam combed his hair.

 

Dean smiled at their reflections. “We are two handsome son-of-a-guns.”

 

Sam gave him his whatever look.

 

On the drive over to Delmelza’s, Sam tried to think of a way to convince her that boyfriend is evil and had to be shot with the salt gun. When they arrived, Dean parked on the street. Delmelza’s blue Tercel and a reddish brown car was parked in the driveway. Sam took one look at the ugly car and thought first augment of evil.

 

Very few things surprise Dean Winchester, but the woman who answered the door did. Dean took one look at the unruly red hair and blue eyes, and gave Sam a look. Delmelza greeted Dean like he was a long lost friend and hugged Sam. 

 

As they followed her to the kitchen, Dean thought back to the times after a tough hunt, they would spring for two rooms and Dean would find a number for call girls. Sam always wanted a red head with blue eyes. Dean would roll his eyes. “Dude, they’re hookers! Take what’s on the menu.”

 

Brad takes a pan of cornbread out of the oven while Annie finishes setting the table. Brad is a bundle of nervous energy-in constant movement. He doesn’t stand or sit still. Annie is the mirror image of her father. She has his brown eyes and light brown hair. But in contrast to her father, she has a quiet stillness. Another thing she shares with her father is, she clearly adores Delmelza. It was painfully clear, Delmelza thought the same about them.

 

They sit down to a meal of beef stew and cornbread. After eating at diners for so long, a home cooked meal is heavenly. The brothers eat two bowls each. Dean is charming and well mannered. 

 

Annie says they have Wii to play after dinner. Brad tells her to put her dishes in the sink first. Annie does and runs to the living room. Sam offers to help clear the dishes. Delmelza tells them they are company and she will be in the living room by the time they have everything set up.

 

Sam is helping Brad set up the Wii when Dean notices the pictures. He walks over to get a better look. He picks up the picture of Robert and Delmelza. If it weren’t for the same unruly hair and blue eyes, Dean would have thought one was adopted. Dean looks at Robert and rubs his thumb over the face. In spite of being in a mental ward, this man gave Sam what he needed when Dean was unable. He accepted Sam for who he was. This also was the man who’s death put Sam into a tailspin, and now thanks to the deal, Dean fears Sam will never recover from. Then Dean saw one saving grace.

 

Dean walked back into the kitchen. Delmelza puts the last dishes in the dishwasher.

 

“I want some more ice tea.”

 

Delmelza handed him a clean glass. “I already put it in the fridge. Help yourself.”

 

Dean sets the glass on the counter. “I’m sorry about Robert.”

 

Delmelza slowly closes the dishwasher and starts it. “Thank you.” She senses Dean wants to talk. Maybe she wants to talk too.

 

Delmelza sits at the table and monitions for Dean to sit in the chair next to her.

 

“After Sam left, he would call to check on Robert. I really appreciated that. After Robert was released from the hospital, he and Sam would talk on the phone.”

 

Dean sat next to her. “I didn’t know about Robert or the other two guys until recently.”

 

“The Napoleons.”

 

Dean gave her one of his smartass smiles. “Why couldn’t they’ve hook up with the Elvises?”

 

Delmelza gave him on of her smartass smiles. “Because Robert thought the Elvises were mentally unstable.”

 

Dean’s smile fades and he looks uncomfortable. Delmelza snickers. “Robert had a morbid sense of humor about his illness.”

 

Dean cleared his throat and tried to think of a way to be tactful. “When did you know Robert was ill?”

 

“The first time he tried to kill himself.”

 

Caught off guard, Dean starts to stand. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have brought this up.” 

 

Delmelza grabs his hand. Dean sits back down. “Sam has never actually tried to kill himself-just thought about it?” Dean nods. “Then you are very lucky. The worst days of my life were Robert trying to kill himself. Robert was on his third attempt when he met Sam at the hospital. After work, I went to his apartment because I hadn’t been able to get a hold of him. He was in the bathtub.” Tears came to Delmelza’s eyes. She closed them for a second. When Dean covered her hand with his, she opened her eyes. “He had cut both wrists. I pulled him out of the tub and wrapped his wrists.” She wiped her eyes with the hand Dean wasn’t holding. “By the time the ambulance arrived, I was screaming at him in rage. How dare he do this again? How dare he do this to me? The poor EMTs probably thought I was going to finish what he started.”

 

She pulled her hand out of Dean’s and reached for the napkin holder on the table. She wiped her face and blew her nose. “Maybe some day I will be able to talk about him without crying. It’s hard to lose a sibling-someone who shares your history and memories. I was so desperate and willing to do anything to save him.”

 

Dean thought this is what I will do to Sam. I will hurt Sam this bad. He felt the tears in his eyes.

 

Dean heard a gasp. When he turned, Annie stood in the doorway. She looked at Delmelza in tears. She looked at Dean and turned running. 

 

“Annie!” Delmelza called. “Dean excuse me.” She followed Annie.

 

Dean found the bathroom. He had to get himself under control. He tried to push the emotion down, to stop the tears. He was the one with the steel spine. 

 

The knock on the door made him jump.

 

“Open the door.”

 

Dean opened the door. Sam wasn’t pissed, Sam was furious. “What happened? Delmelza is in tears. Annie is all upset.”

 

“We were talking about brothers. It’s an emotional subject.”

 

Sam’s face softens. “We should leave.”

 

“Sam, I don’t think..”

 

Sam leaned closer. “We. Should. Leave.”

 

When they got to the living room, Delmelza had dried her eyes and was sitting with Annie on the sofa. Annie gave Dean a frown that clearly said if he dared to make Delmelza cry again, nothing would save his sorry ass from her wraith.

 

Brad motion Annie to come to him where he was sitting on the floor in front of the tv.

“Sam and Dean are Delmelza’s friends. She explained what happened. Now be good.” 

 

After a couple games of Wii bowling and a bowl of homemade peach ice cream, all was forgiven. Annie was running out of steam, and since it was a school night, Brad decided to take her home. Delmelza packed some beef stew and cornbread for Annie’s lunch the next day. She hugged and kissed them good night.

 

Brad shook hands and asked how long they were staying in town. Sam told him they were leaving the next day. Brad waited for him to elaborate and when Sam didn’t he gave up and wished them a safe trip.

 

Delmelza walked Sam and Dean to the Impala and hugged them good-bye. She told Sam to keep in touch. They waited to make sure she got into the house safely then Dean started the car.

 

“You should tell her.” Dean said while driving back to the hotel.

 

Sam tried to look innocent. “Tell her what?”

 

“You love her.”

 

Sam said quietly. “No Dean.”

 

Dean leans over a little. He wasn’t sure he heard right. “Why not? Dude I saw how you looked at her. How you hugged her.”

 

Sam never looked from the windshield. “Because we have too many enemies. How long to you think she would live once she got on something’s radar? Jess was enough.”

 

Dean stopped at a red light. “Sam, Jess weighs just as heavy on me as she does on you. But we didn’t know the demon would go after her. Delmelza can be different.”

 

Sam growled out “Green light.”

 

Dean pressed the gas. “You could teach her how to protect herself, how to shoot a gun, salt the door and windows. Sam you can make this work.

 

Sam was quiet.

 

Dean glanced over at Sam. He decided on a different tactic. “Sam, I don’t want you to end up like Dad-mean and bitter. After a hunt, it would be nice to go home to her. You could base out of Dalton..”

 

“NO DEAN! I’M NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO LOSE YOU BOTH! IF ANYTHING HAPPENED TO DELMELZA, I WOULD TAKE A GUN OUT OF THE TRUNK, PUT IT IN MY MOUTH AND PULL THE TRIGGER!”

 

Dean’s blood ran cold all the way to his toes. Sam had never said anything like that. Never.

 

When they got back to the room, Sam went into the bathroom and slammed the door.

 

Dean started to change clothes. Dad always said his mouth would get the shit beat out of him one day. Sam had been looking forward this evening all day and Dean ruined it- twice. 

 

He sat down on the bed and thought on what Delmelza said. He knew nothing could save him from the deal, but maybe he could find some way lessen the pain.

 

Sam walked out of the bathroom wearing just his pants. As he started to change clothes, Dean went to the bathroom. He used the toilet and brushed his teeth.

 

Sam was already in bed laying on his side turned away for Dean.

 

“Sam we could stay a couple of extra days if you want.”

 

Sam didn’t roll over. “No. We have work to do. We’re leaving tomorrow.”

 

Dean turned off the light and pulled the covers up to his chin. He turned on his side away from Sam. He wished he had been in love one time with one woman.

 

TBC


	12. Chapter 12

  
Author's notes: In this chapter the deal is called, pleased be advised. Any feedback would be welcome.

As always, thank you for reading.  


* * *

Chapter 12

 

Dean dropped Sam off at the hotel-the same one they had stayed at four months before. He told Sam he had an errand to run and would be back in a little while. Oh yeah, it's Sam's turn to do laundry.

 

Doc greeted Dean with a handshake and couldn't believe the difference. Dean looked pale with dark circles under his eyes. He had also lost some weight. It was clear his illness was taking a toll. He motioned for Dean to sit in one of the two chairs. 

 

Dean was uncomfortable. "Well, Doc what do we talk about? Should we start with how all my problems are caused by bad toilet training?"

 

"This is your time Dean. We can talk about your bad toilet training if you want."

 

Dean laughed and then grew quiet. Doc waited. Dean was going to need a nudge. "How have you been feeling? Sam told me you've been sick."

 

"Sam is the reason I'm here. I don't have much longer and I need to know how to help Sam deal with..."

 

"You need to ask Sam. Only he can say how you can help him deal with your death."

 

Dean looked at Doc. "That is the best you can do? Ask Sam." This guy is as crazy as his patients.

 

"Dean, I have no magic words here." Doc waited for a reaction. "You have trouble expressing your emotions."

 

Dean was determine not to cry like a little girl. "Dad always said emotion clouded judgment."

 

"Tell me about your Dad. What was your relationship?"

 

Dean stared moving around in his chair-like he was trying to get comfortable. Doc touched his arm to get his attention. "What you say in this room, stays in this room. I'm here to help you, not sit in judgment."

 

Dean stopped squirming. "I remember a year after Mom died, we were in a hotel room, I don't know where. I was around five, Sam was still a baby. Sam and me were asleep in one bed and Dad was in the other. Dad's crying woke me up. His back was to me. I remember getting out of bed and started patting his back. I wanted him to hug me because I had started crying too. He wouldn't roll over, so I started to cry louder and shake him. I woke Sam and he started crying. Dad finally rolled over and yelled for me to be quiet and get back into bed. I got back into bed and watched him try to get Sam back to sleep. I thought if I behaved and did what he said, he would love me and want to hug me like he use to."

 

It never creases to amaze Doc how parents are clueless to the damage they do.

 

"I did everything he said without question. When he left and told me to take care of Sam, I did. When he dropped us off with some friend, I said nothing. I thought he was a hero and." Dean stopped; he needed to catch his breath. "It seemed Sam went out of his way to make Dad angry. I tried to be the peace keeper-to keep Sam line." Dean stopped and tried to get control of himself. "All I wanted a family."

 

"What were your feelings when your father died?"

 

Dean poured a glass of water from the pitcher sitting on the table between the chairs. He took a tissue and blew his nose. He wasn't use to this. All this emotion-he had put everything behind him. He had already dealt. He rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands.

 

"I was so angry. After everything he did, after everything he didn't do, he no longer had to take any responsibility. I refused to grieve for him because he wasn't the father I thought he should be. He didn't love me and Sam like he should have."

 

"He didn't love you like the you thought he should or like you wanted?"

 

Dean put his head in his hands and started crying. "He didn't love me like I wanted." The dam broke. Dean was finally ready to grieve for the loving father and the man he became. 

 

Dean went to the bathroom to wash his face. He stared at his reflection, his swollen eyes, his red nose. It had been a long time since he seen this face. What was astounding was the relief. He had let go of bastard and reconnected with the man who loved his wife and sons. Maybe if he knew Doc a year ago, he would have had the strength to let Sam go. He would have kept his soul, but what's that compare to Sam? Sam was his soul as well as his heart. He washed his face and went back to Doc's office.

 

Doc was waiting for him. "Dean, does Sam love you the way you want to loved?"

 

Dean nodded his head. Yes Sam did.

 

"Talk to Sam-let yourselves two help each other. It's one thing to have an abstract sense of mortality; it's another to have a timetable. One of my favorite movies is "I Never Sang For My Father". The first line is Death ends a life, it does not end a relationship. Please keep that in mind."

 

Doc walked Dean out to the lobby. They shook hands.

 

 

When Dean got back to the hotel, Sam wasn't in the room. He found him in the hotel's guest laundry. He walked over to where Sam was sitting watching tv and sat beside him. One look told Sam where Dean had been.

 

"You went to see Doc."

 

Dean nodded and watched tv.

 

"Did he help you?"

 

Dean looked at Sam. "More than you know." Dean smiled, "Did you call Delmelza? Are we invited to dinner?"

 

Sam snickered. "Yeah Dean, we're invited to dinner. Annie has a doctor's appointment today and to keep her from whining, they promised to grill cheeseburgers."

 

"I love me some cheeseburgers."

 

Sam shook his head, whatever. They went back to watching tv. 

 

"Dude you should tell her."

 

"Dude you should shut up."

 

 

Later the afternoon they changed into freshly laundered jeans and t-shirts and headed over to Delmelza's. They walked around to the back yard and saw Brad starting the grill. Annie saw the brothers first and ran to hug them. Delmelza walked over and hugged them. Brad shook hands saying he wasn't into hugging guys. 

 

Brad put the burgers on the grill while they all got caught up. Delmelza didn't like how Dean looked. She excused herself to go into the house to get buns, chips and all the condiments they would need. Sam offered to help.

 

Once they got into the house. Delmelza voiced her concern for Dean. Sam told her that Dean had been ill and they came to town to see about medical care. Delmelza hugged Sam and told him if he or Dean needed anything to let her know. They gathered up what they came in for and went back outside.

 

They had an enjoyable dinner. When the sun went down, mosquitoes the size of Buicks started attacking so they moved into the screened back porch. Sam and Dean lay on loungers while Delmelza and Brad sat on the porch swing. Annie crawled up between them. Brad's nervous energy kept the swing moving. Soon Annie fell into a cheeseburger induce sleep. Brad picked her up to put her in Delmelza's room. Brad came out with bottles of beer for everyone. In spite of having it at home, he didn't like to drink in front of Annie. They stayed up late into the night. On the way back to the hotel, Sam tried not to think about Brad spending the night.

 

 

*****

Dean has two days until the deal is called. Sam is a man on a mission. He is up early doing research on the laptop. He is on the phone to Bobby and everyone Bobby could think of to call. Dean knew it was hopeless. Ruby had said so in so many words. Probably the only time the bitch was honest in any life. But Sam needed hope. Oh hell, or home sweet home, Dean needed hope. Dean had gotten a good look at what he would become and the fear made his heart shake. He then knew what he needed to do to help Sam deal with his death. 

 

"I'll be back in a few."

 

"Where are you going?" Sam was asking a closed door. 

 

He heard the Impala start and drive away. Sam put his head down on the table and cried. This wasn't working. He couldn't find anything to save Dean, and in 36 hours Dean would be gone. Sam screamed out his pain and frustration. He knew Dean brought them back to Dalton because Sam would need Doc and Delmelza, but he wasn't sure they would be enough. He started to heave and ran to the bathroom. The little breakfast he managed to eat came up. Sam rinses his mouth and looked in mirror. It's you and me, babe, get use to it. Suddenly it hit him like someone had thrown a brick at him. Depression was setting over him again-the pain in his head and heart. It had always been there like an itch he couldn't scratch. Sam fought the urge to get into bed and pull the covers over his head. 

 

He heard his cell phone ring. Bobby found out about a medium that lived about 5 miles north of Dalton. She had good luck with reversing curses. It's worth a shot.

 

Bobby was worried. "Sam, how things going?"

 

"What if this doesn't work? Dean only has 36 hours." He couldn't keep the desperation and fear out of his voice.

 

"Sam, you listen to me boy. Dean is not dead yet. This is not over. We are not giving up."

 

"Okay Bobby, you're right this is not over."

 

While Sam was looking up the address on Map Quest, he heard the Impala. Dean came into the room carrying a Wal-Mart bag.

 

"Bobby found a medium not too far from here. She is able to reverse curses, so maybe she can help."

 

Dean tossed Sam the keys. "You drive."

 

Sam pulled onto I-75 north and looked over at Dean writing in a spiral notebook. "What are you doing?"

 

"I'm making out my will Sammy. Don't worry you get all my worldly processions."

 

Usually Dean's smartass comments made Sam give him the finger, but not today. 

 

They found the medium. She was a short blonde woman with what Dean thought was a great rack-he's going to miss great racks. They were at the top of the list of the things he was going to miss. She couldn't help; Dean had sold his soul of his own free will.

 

The minute they got back to the room. Sam started working the phones and laptop again. Dean lay down on the bed and continue writing in the notebook. Around suppertime, Dean went to the diner for take out. Sam's stomach lurched at the thought of eating. Dean sat on the bed eating a cheeseburger with fries drowned in ketchup, still writing in the damn notebook.

 

Around midnight Sam was exhausted, Dean had 24 hours and Sam couldn't keep his eyes open. He lay down on bed. "Dean you going to be awake for a while?"

 

"Uh-hun"

 

"Wake me in 30 minutes."

 

Dean still writing in the notebook, "Un-hun"

 

"Dean! 30 minutes." Sam said more firmly.

 

"Sam! 30 minutes-got it."

 

 

Dean was shaking Sam awake. "Rise and shine Sammy!"

 

Sam open his eyes and looked at the clock. It was 8 am. SHIT "DEAN! I TOLD YOU TO WAKE ME IN 30 MINTUES!"

 

Dean was sitting on his bed tying his boots. "Sam you were tired and we have a busy day ahead of us. Go get ready."

 

"Dean this is your last day. We still have a lot leads to look into."

 

Dean looked at Sam. "No we don't. Sam if there was a way to save me, we would have found it by now. I am not going to spend my last day on earth chasing my tail. We are going to spend the day together. Start at one end of Dalton and eat our way to the other end."

 

"No Dean. We can't give up now."

 

"Sam at midnight I'm going to hell and there is nothing to stop it." Dean moved over to sit with Sam on his bed. "There are bad and dark days ahead in the war. I want you to have this day. I don't want you to remember trying to save me. I want you to remember me."

 

Sam hugged Dean and closed his eyes to stop the tears. Dean hugged him back just as hard and fought back his own tears. "Come on Sammy. We're burning daylight."

 

And eat they did. The Winchester Brothers rolled through Dalton. Dean ate cheeseburgers, tacos, sundaes, and so much pie. A waitress at one restaurant commented that Dean was eating like it was his day on earth. Dean smiled and told her to bring him two more slices. Sam wondered if by the time Dean was done if a crumb of pie could be found in Dalton.

 

Dean told Sam every crude off-color joke he knew. He flirted with waitresses. And Dean told Sam stories about their parents. How Mom would read to him every night before he went to sleep. Every Sunday, he would sit in Dad's lap and they watched car racing on tv. The first time Dean saw Sam after he had been born. "I was disappointed. I wanted a frog because frogs rock." They talked of shared memories. Not hunting or the man Dad became. The good times they had as boys. 

 

"Dean you remember that one day we played football with Dad. I think it was spring because there was dogwoods blooming."

 

"It was Good Friday. Dad always loved Easter."

 

"He was laughing and playing with us. It was the perfect day." It was the only time Sam remembered Dad really laughing.

 

"Yeah, Sammy, it was the perfect day."

 

At 6 pm, Dean decided he was done. Sam gave up hours ago, but he enjoyed following Dean around. 

 

When they got back to the room, a DVD player had been hooked up to the tv and there was a stack of Godzilla movies. Sam looked at them. "We're going to watch Godzilla movies?"

 

"Change into our sweats if no other reason I'm so full I can't breathe. And yes, we're going to watch Godzilla movies."

 

They changed into sweats and each took a much needed bathroom break. When Sam came out of the bathroom, Dean had put all the pillows on the bed opposite the tv. He held the covers up for Sam to get into the bed with him.

 

"My favorite memory of Mom and Dad is when it snowed the last winter Mom was alive. Dad took the day off and we made a snowman. After we came back into the house, we had hot chocolate and then we sat on the sofa under a big comforter. I sat between Mom and Dad and we watched the afternoon movie, which was Godzilla. Every time I watch Godzilla, I think back to that day. How warm and loved I felt."

 

They got comfortable. Dean put his arms around Sam and pulled Sam's back to his chest. He laid his head against Sam's. They would only move for bathroom breaks or to change DVDs. But Sam always ended up in Dean's arms.

 

Sam looked at the clock and it read 11:50 pm.

 

"Dean it’s ten minutes to midnight." Sam started to get up. "The hellhounds will be here soon. We have to get the guns ready."

 

Dean turns off the tv and tightens his arms around Sam. "Sammy settle down."

 

"No Dean. I'm not letting you go with a fight!" Sam starts to struggle.

 

Dean held him. "SAMMY SETTLE DOWN! I want to listen to me." Sam stopped struggling. Dean leaned closer to his ear. "I love you more than anyone in this world. If there is any good in me, it is because of you. I want you to promise me two things, okay. The first is no matter what happens you will NOT hurt yourself or…. or try to kill yourself. You will always call Doc. Promise me Sam."

 

Sam could feel the tears coming. "I promise."

 

"Two. Tell Delmelza you love her and will try to make it work with her. Sam you need someone to love and to love you. Please promise me."

 

Dean knew Sam couldn't promise that and knew why. "I promise Dean."

 

Dean kissed him on the side of the head.

 

Sam watches the clock turn to 12 midnight. All Sam could hear was the trucks on I-75. No rabid barking of hellhounds.

 

"Dean?"

 

Silence. 

 

Sam tried to turn while keeping Dean’s arms around him. "Dean?"

 

Dean's eyes were closed-like he’s asleep. Sam felt for a pulse in his neck. Dean's heart was still. 

 

Sam was in shock. No hell hounds scratching at the door, ready to tear Dean apart, to drag him to hell. Someone, somewhere, had given Dean this tender mercy.

 

Sam laid his head on Dean's chest, he was still warm. No pain filled screams just quiet crying for his big brother. 

 

TBC


	13. Chapter 13

  
Author's notes: Thank you for reading.  


* * *

"Like this Sammy."

 

Sammy looks up at seven year-old Dean. He then looks at his feet in the snow. It's almost up to his knees. 

 

"Take the snow and pack it into a ball."

 

Daddy is next to him, smiling. "How about you help me, buddy." They start making a snowball. Sammy looks over his shoulder at Mommy and Dean making another snowball. 

 

The snowman is sorta leaning, wearing one of Daddy's old baseball caps. One branch arm is longer than the other. They used rocks from Mommy's flower garden for the face. In Sammy's opinion it's the bestest snowman ever!

 

It's getting cold, so they go into the house. While Mommy makes hot chocolate, Daddy helps Sammy change into pajamas with feet. Mommy tells him to be careful, to take little sips because it is hot. Sammy is going to have hot chocolate everyday with every meal. Dean says he is silly. Daddy tells him to be nice. 

 

Mommy says Godzilla is on tv and they better go to the living room. They all pile on the sofa, with Dean and Sammy in the middle, and wrap a big comforter around them. Dean snuggles up to Mom and Sammy snuggles up to Daddy. He puts a protective arm around Sammy.

 

"Sammy, if you get scared, you let me know. Okay?"

 

Sam looks up. "K Daddy".

 

Daddy kisses him on the forehead. Sammy finds more room to snuggle. Soon Sammy feels his eyes closing. He doesn't want to go to sleep he wants to watch Godzilla. But he's full of hot chocolate and can't keep his eyes open. 

 

He's cold. So cold his teeth are chattering. How can he be cold when he was so warm seconds ago? He tries to snuggle closer to Daddy. He tries to open his eyes but his lids are too heavy.

 

Sam wakes with a start. He's so cold. It takes a minute to realize he is still wrapped around Dean. The body heat is gone and Dean is very cold to the touch. Sam pulled the covers tighter. He wants to go back to sleep, back to the dream. He's not ready to let Dean go. NOT YET! Sam laid his head on Dean's chest and let the tears come. Maybe he can cry himself back to sleep. Every time he dozed off the cold woke him or he thinks of Dean being dead. He finally gets up because he's too cold. He untied Dean’s amulet and laid it on the table by the bed. He pulled the covers up to Dean's chin. 

 

Sam takes a shower to warm up. He dries off and puts on jeans and one of Dean's t-shirts. He must have lost weight because the t-shirt isn't as tight as he thought it would be. He finds one of his clean shirts and puts it over the t-shirt. He sits on the bed opposite the one Dean is laying on. Sam picks up the amulet and ties it around his neck. 

 

The depression settled over him. He doesn't know what to do. He feels he is in pieces. He just sits and looks at Dean. 

 

After a couple of hours, Sam moved to the bed Dean is laying on and sits beside him. Sam leans down and kisses Dean's lips. He's ready now. 

 

Sam pressed a number on speed dial.

 

"Dr. Enys."

 

"Dean's...." Sam's voice trailed off. 

 

"Sam? What's wrong? Has something happen to Dean?"

 

"Dean's dead." A whisper so soft Sam’s not even sure HE heard it.

 

Doc tells Sam to stay there. He will call the coroner and be there soon. Sam dials another number and tells Delmelza. She is leaving work.

 

Sam is still sitting by Dean when there is a knock on the door. He doesn't move to open the door. 

 

Doc knocks louder and calls for Sam. He knows Sam would never leave Dean's body alone. A guest two doors down poked his head out to see what all the commotion is about. Doc is about to ask him to call the manager and have him come up with a spare key when Sam opens the door. Doc didn't like the sound of Sam's voice on the phone, but he not prepared for the way Sam looks. Doc fears Sam had a complete mental breakdown. 

 

Sam has yet to say anything, he steped aside to let Doc enter the room. Doc walks over to the bed Dean is laying on. He can tell from the body Dean has been dead for hours. When Doc turns to Sam, he sees Sam embraced by a red headed woman. Delmelza. Doc introduced himself. He sees the coroner wagon backing into a parking space through the open door.

 

"Ms. Powell, I’m going down to meet the gentlemen from the coroner. It may be best if you and Sam wait outside until the bod.... until Dean is removed."

 

Delmelza takes Sam's hand and pulled him out of the room. They stand by the wall next to the door. Two men with a stretcher follow Doc into the room. The guest is still standing outside his door. Delmelza gives him a glare that sends him back into his room. 

 

Sam said something. "I'm sorry love. What did you say?"

 

"I need to call Bobby. My phone is still in the room."

 

Delmelza pats his arm. "I’ll get it for you." 

 

She stepped into the room and sees a cell phone on the table by the bed. The men are putting Dean in a body bag. Delmelza leaned over the opposite bed and grabs the cell phone. 

 

She comes out and hands to phone to Sam. She wants to give him some privacy, but doesn't want to go too far. She moves down a couple of steps and leans against the wall. 

 

When the men come out with the body bag on a stretcher, Sam turns away and the phone falls from his ear. Delmelza grabs the phone and introduces herself to Bobby. She gives him her address and phone number, as Sam will be staying with her.

 

When she hangs up, she notices that Sam is gone. She looks in the room and Sam and Doc are sitting on the foot of the bed opposite from where Dean was laying.

 

Doc had his hand Sam's arm. "Sam I think you should spend the night at the hospital." Sam shakes his head no. "It is only for observation-to make sure you are alright. Sam you're in shock."

 

"No Doc. I'm fine now. I can stay here. I need to arrange....arrange the funeral. Bobby is coming and he will help me."

 

Delmelza steps into the room. "Dr. Enys, Sam is coming home with me."

 

Doc looked up at her. "Ms. Powell, I appreciate that you want to help, but you don't understand what you are getting yourself into. It would be better for Sam to go to the hospital."

 

Delmelza says firmly, "Sam has lost his brother. He needs to be with friends, not strangers. If there are any problems I will call you. If he is not better in morning we will meet you at the hospital."

 

Doc reconsiders. "Alright. Sam, you come to see me tomorrow at 12:30 regardless of how you feel. And tonight, if you need to, call me." 

 

Sam nods. "I will."

 

Doc shook Delmelza's hand. "I'm going to have a mild sedative sent over by messenger."

 

Delmelza gives him her address and Doc gives her a card with all his numbers. 

 

After Doc leaves, Delmelza helps Sam pack for the night. Sam goes to Dean's bag for his light green shirt and a pair of jeans.

 

"Dean will need something to be buried in."

 

Delmelza opens the passenger side door for Sam. He tells her he will drive the Impala over to the house. Delmelza doesn’t think it's a good idea. Sam insists he will not leave it at the hotel. Delmelza finally agrees.

 

The minute Sam stepped in the house, he is wrapped in a Brad/Annie hug. He is shown to the guest room off the living room. Delmelza tells him dinner will be ready soon.

 

They eat in silence. Or they eat; Sam takes a couple of bites and moves the rest around on his plate. Brad asks Annie if she through. She nods and Brad tells her to go watch tv. Annie bolts from the room. It is all Sam can do not to bolt after her. Brad opens a bottle of wine and pours them each a drink. They each take a long drink-no sipping here. 

 

Brad asks Sam where Dean is going to be buried. Sam hadn't thought about that. He could bury Dean in Dalton because he doesn't think he can afford to take Dean to Kansas. Sam thinks no matter how much Dean loved Bobby; he would prefer to be watched over by the much prettier Delmelza. Brad hands Sam a piece of paper with funeral home and cemetery information and offers to go with Sam. Sam thanks him but says no. He is embarrassed about how little money he has to bury Dean. After another drink, Sam excused himself and goes to the guest room.

 

He shuts the door and calls Bobby.

 

"I don't have enough money to bury Dean. I can get a coffin, but I don't know about the grave site."

 

"Sam don't worry about that. I have some money put away. I'll make sure Dean is buried in a good place. I'm leaving first thing in the morning, I should be there early day after next."

 

Sam gives Bobby the cemetery information and hangs up.

 

A soft knock on the door. Delmelza comes in with a package from Doc and a bottle of water. If he needs anything, just let her know.

 

After Delmelza leaves, Sam opened the package. One sedative-why take chances? Sam stripped down and gets into bed. He takes the sedative and laid on his back. It's so quiet. He realized that this is the first time he has slept alone in five or six years. He had gotten use to falling asleep to the tv or Dean's snoring. He feels the tears run out of the corner of his eyes.

*****

He and Dean were bored and when they're bored, it doesn't take much to get noses out of joint. Dad left without telling them where or when he would be back. They had a fight about what to watch on tv and Dean pushed Sam hard enough to make him fall and hit the back of his head on the wood floor. The thud was really loud. Sam lay stunned and Dean thought if Dad found out he killed Sam, Dad would kill him. He made Sam get up and sit on the sofa, and went to make him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, his favorite. When Dean got the peanut butter jar out of the cabinet, he saw the recipe for cookies. He found a scrape of paper and pencil and wrote down the ingredients. He told Sam to stay in the house because he had to go to the store. Sam wanted to go with Dean because Sam didn't like to be alone. Suppose Dad and Dean never come back. Dean said no and to rest because he hurt his head.

 

Sam stood by the window the whole time Dean was gone. He was really worried. Dean always took Sam with him when he left the house. Then he saw Dean, carrying bags, walking down the street toward the house. Sam was so relieved. 

 

Sam met Dean at the door. Dean motioned for him to follow to the kitchen.

 

"Sammy, we're going to make cookies."

 

What was he talking about? "Dean, we don't know how to make cookies. Why didn't you buy some?"

 

Dean showed him the recipe on the jar. "It'll be more fun to make cookies. Home made cookies are so much better than the ones you buy."

 

Sam wasn't so sure of this. He and Dean never really cooked. Once they got started, they had so much fun. The kitchen looked a tornado had come through and turned around and came through again. Both boys were covered with flour. They left the oven light on so they could watch the cookies bake and make sure they didn't burn. 

 

Dean was right; these cookies were so much better than any he could buy. They had warm cookies and milk for dinner. Dean told him they might be eating a lot of cookies because they were getting low on money. Sam said that was okay


	14. Chapter 14

  
Author's notes: This chapter contains sexual content. Please be advised. Thank you for reading.  


* * *

When Sam woke it was morning, the dream of making cookies came back to him. He preferred to remember when they were young, before hunting took its toll on them.

 

There was a soft knock on the door. Sam had slept naked and grabbed a t-shirt off the floor. He arranges the covers and calls come in.

 

Delmelza puts her head in. "Did I wake you?"

 

Sam shakes his head. "No. I was awake."

 

Delmelza comes into the room and sat on the bed next to Sam’s legs. She is dressed in a dark blue blouse and gray dress pants. “How are you feeling?”

 

“Better, but not good.”

 

Delmelza nodded, “I know the feeling.” She hands him a key. “This is to the front door. I’ll stop by the hotel and get the rest of your and Dean’s belongings.”

 

“Please, you don’t have to do that.”

 

“Sam you have so much to worry about and I don’t mind. I have to go to work, but I can leave the coffee maker on, and help yourself to anything in the fridge.”

 

Delmelza gets up to leave.

 

“Thank you for letting me stay.”

 

“You’re welcome to stay as long as you need. Call me if you need help.”

 

Sam lay in bed after he heard the front door close. He didn’t want to think about burying Dean, maybe he could wait for Bobby and let him do it. 

 

Sam cell phone rang. It was the Dalton County Coroner’s office. They were releasing Dean body. They couldn’t find a reason for his death so they’re putting it down to natural causes. Just have the funeral home contact them for transfer. A second call was from Doc’s receptionist to see how he was and to make sure he would make his 12:30 appointment. She offered her condolences. 

 

Sam took a shower and had a cup of coffee, and then he had a glass of wine.

 

The funeral director tried to sell him a really nice casket, but Sam told him how much he had to spend. When the funeral director suggested cementation, Sam startled him by saying no a little too loud. There will be a graveside service. A time was arranged and Sam is told to come two hours early to make sure all arrangements are to his liking. Sam gave him the information to transfer Dean’s body and the clothes he is to be buried in.

*****

"How did last night go?" Doc asked.

 

"I took the sedative and slept through most of it."

 

Doc shifts in his seat. "I was very concerned about you. You seemed to be in shock."

 

Sam rubs his eyes. "I didn't know what to do. I had been expecting it for so long, but when it happened...."

 

"Sam it natural to feel disoriented when a loved one dies." Sam nods. "In the past, you've felt you could have done something, but Sam you were with Dean. I'm sure he knows you did everything possible to help him."

 

Sam felt tears coming. This was his fault! He was the reason Dean sold his soul, and he had been angry about it for so long.

 

Sam looked at Doc. "What about anger?"

 

"Yes Sam anger is a response to death. The key is not letting it overwhelm the love you felt for Dean. Be angry at the situation that took him."

*****

Sam decided to go back to Delmelza's house. He felt beat up and wanted to lie down and sleep this all away.

 

He walked into his room and sees the bags from the hotel. The house is empty, so Delmelza must have dropped them off at lunchtime. Sam picked up Dean's olive green duffle bag and sits on the bed. He unzips the duffel and sees the notebook. Sam catches his breath and stared at the notebook. He finally picked it up and opens it. 

 

In his blocky print, Dean wrote everything he could remember about their parents. Stories he told Sam and stories he didn't. Mom loved to make cookies, and yes, dance. He would help Dad wash the car; it was his job to wash the tires. And many more memories. He wrote of the days getting prepared for Sam's birth and days following it. 

 

Everything Sam needed to know about taking care of the Impala- "And Sam always treat her like a woman."

 

The last few pages are about how much Dean loved him. And Sam was to always remember his two promises, never hurt himself and to make a life with Delmelza.

 

The back cover had a small pocket and Sam looked in it. He found a small square photo. He had never seen it before and it wasn't creased or torn. It was a perfect as day it was developed. Mom was sitting on a hospital bed holding a newborn Sam. Dad sat on the bed to her right with his arm around her. Dean was sitting on the bed to her left. They were all smiling, happy that Sam had joined them.

 

Sam thought he had no more tears left, found a fresh batch. Dean had given him his family back.

 

Sam spent the afternoon lying on the bed reading the notebook. He had put the picture in the nightstand where he could look at it. 

 

Delmelza came home with Annie. Sam hears her tell Annie no tv until her homework was done. She knocks quietly on Sam's door. 

 

"Come in."

 

Delmelza opened the door wide enough to step in. "Brad's working late, something came up suddenly, so I picked Annie up from school. How did today go?"

 

Sam sat up in bed. "I made all the arrangements for tomorrow. I'm going through Dean's stuff."

 

"Okay, I'll let you know when dinner's ready. We're having spaghetti."

 

Sam nods and she closes the door.

 

Sam finished reading the notebook. He feels lonely for Dean, and just as grateful for what Dean gave him. Sam has to get out of the room-he's ready to crawl out of his skin. He decides to tell Delmelza he won't be joining her and Annie for dinner. Find a bar, get drunk and bang a nameless girl. Dean would be so proud.

 

Sam opened the room's door and sees Annie sitting on the living room sofa.

 

"Hi Sam."

 

"Hi Annie." Sam walked over to her. She has a math book open with a pad of paper on her lap. 'What'cha doing?" as he sat down beside her.

 

"Math. I hate math. I'm no good at it. Daddy helps me, but he's working late."

 

Sam nudged her. "I was good in math. Maybe I can help you."

 

Annie gives him a big smile and shows him the assignment.

 

A half an hour later the math homework is done, Annie states she needs cookies as if she was older, she would state she needs a stiff drink. Delmelza gave her four cookies, two for her and two for Sam. Dinner’s going to be soon.

 

Annie goes back to the living room and sits beside Sam. She gives him two cookies.

 

Annie took a bite and chews. Daddy told her not to talk with her mouth full. She looks up a Sam, "I am sorry about Dean. I liked him."

 

Sam looked down and with a sad smile, "Thanks Annie."

 

The three of them sit down to dinner. Tonight is more relaxed, probably because Sam is more relaxed. Annie is studying Dalton history in school and asks Delmelza what it was like while she was growing up. Sam thinks this is what it would be like if he married Delmelza and they had a daughter. Sam pushed it from his mind. Why wish for something that will never happen? He listened to Delmelza and Annie while he ate. 

 

Brad joins them and Annie tells him Sam helped with her homework. He tells her she can watch tv and then he asks Sam about the funeral arrangements. Sam's cell phone vibrates and it's Bobby. Sam excused himself and went to his room. Bobby’s just calling to check on him and he will be in Dalton early in the morning.

 

Between the funeral home and going through Dean’s bags, by 9:30 Sam was exhausted. He changed into a t-shirt and sweat pants and got into bed. At 12:30, he decided to get up. Every time he started to drift off, he would think of something Dean had said or did and he would be wide awake again. He opened the door to his room and the house was dark except for a small light in the kitchen. Maybe some warm milk would help. Sam opened the refrigerator and saw the open bottle of wine. Liquor is quicker. He found a glass, sat at the kitchen table and poured some.

 

He heard a noise behind him and turned to see Delmelza in her robe.

 

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you.”

 

Delmelza smiled. “No I had to get up any way and was going to check on you.” She sat down in the chair beside his. She laid her hand on Sam’s. “Finish you wine and try to get some sleep. Tomorrow is going to be a long day.”

 

Delmelza started to get up when Sam squeezed her fingers. She stopped and looked at him. Sam leaned over and kissed her. She tighten her fingers and kissed him back. Sam pulled away and looked into her eyes. She had drowned in the grief the same way as he was drowning now. She stood up and started to leave the kitchen. She held his fingers until he let go. Sam followed her into her bedroom. 

 

In the moon light, Delmelza took off her robe and threw it on a chair in the corner. She had on a simple white short night grown. She turned and took the helm of Sam’s t-shirt and pulled it over his head. Then she pulled her own grown over her head and dropped it on the floor with Sam’s t-shirt. Sam let his eyes roam over her breasts and down her stomach to her panties. Then he looked into her eyes-that unwavering look. Delmelza put her arms around his neck and kissed him on the lips. Sam reached down to the back of her thighs and lifted her up. Her legs went around his waist and he carried her to the bed. 

 

He kneeled on the bed and gently laid her on her back. When he made sure she was comfortable, Sam laid down on top of her. Sam gave her short, open month kisses-then he stopped. He buried his face in her hair and neck. This was going to be the only night with her. After the years of longing, his blue-eyed girl was here and she was going to be one more sacrifice. He could no more tell her how much he loved her than he could tell Dean how much he loved him. 

 

He rose up on his elbows and looked into her eyes. Delmelza wiped the tears off his face. “It’s alright. It doesn’t have to go any further.”

 

Sam sat back on his heels. He touched the hollow of her throat and caressed down the valley between her breasts, across her stomach and hooked his fingers in her panties and pulled them down her legs. He then pulled his sweats off. Delmelza sat up and got a condom out of the side table. She rolled the condom down Sam’s hard cock and gently caressed his balls. She lay back down on the bed. Sam never took his eyes away from her’s. He was ready and wanted to make sure Delmelza was ready too. He stroked over her bud and caressed her opening. 

Sam lay down and gently, slowly thrust into Delmelza. He poured all of his love into the kisses. He wanted her to know how much he loved her. He put his arms around her and held her tight while he thrust. Delmelza put her arms and legs around him and held him just as tight. 

 

She was warm. She was safe. Sam needed to know that he was still here, still alive, in one piece. To feel connected to someone outside of himself.

 

Delmelza’s legs tighten around him and she gasped as she came. Sam stilled and felt all the hurt and guilt flow out of him. He laid his head on her shoulder and tightened his arms around her. She let him lay in her arms. Sam finally pulled out of her and got rid of the condom. Delmelza pulled the covers down and held them for him. Sam pushed her on her back and laid down between her legs, put his head between her breasts and his arms around her. She stoked his hair until he fell asleep. 

 

TBC


	15. Chapter 15

  
Author's notes: Thank you for reading.  


* * *

The sun was hitting Sam in the face; he blinked a couple of times. He heard Delmelza moving somewhere in the house. 

 

Sam put his hands over his eyes. He was burying Dean today. He wanted to find Delmelza and carry her back to bed. They could pull the covers of their heads, make love and let this day wait. Instead Sam stubble out of bed and into the shower.

 

As he was drying off, the doorbell rang. He got dressed in the sweats and t-shirt he wore the night before. 

 

Delmelza was in the kitchen in her grown and robe making breakfast. Bobby stood up from the table and hugged Sam.

 

"Son, I'm so sorry. I wish I could have been here."

 

Sam hugged Bobby back. "I'm just glad you're here now."

 

Delmelza told them to sit and put plates with eggs, bacon and toast. She poured them cups of coffee. Sam was about to refuse the food. Delmelza just patted him on the shoulder and said eat.

 

Sam gave Bobby the details of the service and that he needed to go over to the funeral home to make sure all the arrangements were done. 

 

Bobby took a couple of more bites. "I'll check into an hotel and get cleaned up and meet you at the funeral home."

 

Delmelza spoke up. "I have an extra room and you are more than welcome to stay."

 

Bobby smiled, "I wouldn't want to be an imposition."

 

Delmelza started clearing the dishes. "Not at all."

 

After Sam signed the last of the paperwork, the funeral director told him the casket had not been sealed yet, if he and Mr. Singer wanted to see the body. The funeral director led them into an empty chapel with the open casket. Bobby took one look and broke down in tears. Sam put an arm around Bobby and let his own tears fall. Sam was glad Bobby was able to see Dean one last time.

 

Bobby put his hand on Dean's shoulder. "I can't believe this happened. When I found out, it was all I could do not the beat the shit out of him."

 

The funeral director tells them it was time to leave for the cemetery. The casket is sealed. With the help of two employees, Sam and Bobby carried the casket to the hearse. The funeral director placed a small spray of white roses on the casket. Sam had forgot about flowers and didn't order any. The funeral director handed him a card signed by Delmelza, Brad and Annie. As they drove through Dalton, drivers respectfully pull over. Sam and Bobby talked about how Dean would have gotten a hoot out of that. 

 

When they arrived at the cemetery, Sam saw Delmelza, Brad, Annie and Doc sitting by the gravesite. Brad and Doc came down to the hearse and helped Sam and Bobby carry the casket to the site. It was very informal, just Sam and Bobby talking about Dean. Sam thanked them for coming because he really thought it would be just him and Bobby.

Delmelza invites Doc back to the house. He declines because he his expecting a patient. He shakes hands with everyone and leaves. Sam asks Delmelza to give Bobby a ride back to the house and he will be along soon.

 

After everyone leaves, Sam walks through the cemetery until he finds Robert's grave. Sam brushes some leaves off the grass in front of the head stone. He pays his respects and says good-bye. As Sam is walking to the Impala, he sees another grave, Jerry Sherman. Sam knows who Jerry Sherman is. "Hey Short Napoleon." It's nice to know Dean is with good friends.

 

As Sam walks into the kitchen, Bobby is entertaining Delmelza, Brad and Annie with stories about Sam as a young boy. Sam had a sandwich because he was suddenly very hungry. After he and Bobby finished eating, they went to the guest room.

 

Sam showed Bobby the notebook and photo. Bobby smiled and the only thing he could think to say was his term of endearment for Dean, "Idgit." Sam chuckled.

 

"Hey Bobby. Who do you think took the photo?'

 

"I don't know. Your Dad never seemed to be close to any family. After he started hunting, he stayed with other hunters." Bobby paused. "You and Dean were his life. He was a hard man and I would yell at him for some of way he acted. But he always did you best he could."

 

Sam looked at the photo, at the Dad he never knew. "I have spent so much of my life angry at him. Dean was so much more forgiving. I look at this photo and wonder where was this man. Bobby I've had some real problems. I've been in a hos.... I blamed Dad for so many things. Dean would still be here if Dad had treated him differently, hadn't put so much pressure on him." Sam wiped his eyes. "What I'm I going to do, Bobby?"

 

Bobby put his arm around Sam. "Dean called me the night before he died. We said out good-byes. He also told me about Delmelza."

 

"Please don't start."

 

"Sam, it's a lonely life and not a long one. There have been so many times I wished I had a woman to go home to."

 

"And Bobby, we know what happens to the women, Mom, your wife, Jess, and how horrible it can be. The only way I can survive losing Dean is knowing Delmelza is alright. That I can see her and talk to her. I love her so much, if anything happened to her because of me....” Sam's eyes filled with tears.

 

Bobby pulled Sam's head down to his chest and kissed the back of his head. "Well look in the bright side. You have me."

 

Sam put his arms around Bobby and hugged him.

 

After dinner, Sam packed his things. He put the photo in the pocket of the notebook and put it safely in his backpack. He decided to leave in the morning when Bobby did. Sam was feeling anxious to get on the road. Now that Dean had died, other emotions were starting to surface that would be better taken out on something evil. On his way out of town, he would go by Doc's office and leave a message for him.

 

Brad and Annie had gone home and Bobby was in bed-the last 48 hours had been hard on him. Sam walked through the house looking for Delmelza. He found her sitting on the swing in the screen in back porch having glass of wine. On a small table was the bottle of wine and an extra glass. Sam poured some wine and sat on the other side of the swing. 

 

Delmelza was sitting with her feet up in the swing. She was wearing a t-shirt and shorts. Sam saw a small scar on her knee-she must have gotten it when she was little. He ran his thumb over it. Delmelza shifted her legs. Sam realized what an imamate gesture it was and put his hand back in his lap.

 

"I'm leaving tomorrow. I need to get back on the road."

 

Sam looked at that unwavering gaze. Delmelza finished her wine.

 

"Sam, have your secrets, but don't let them run your life. Lock up when you come in. Good night."

 

"Good night Delmelza." 

 

She went into the house. Sam wanted to follow her and tell her he wanted to stay in this little white house with her. He wanted to spend his nights kissing her breast while deep inside her. 

 

He sat on the swing drinking wine because secrets ran his life.

 

Bobby hugged Delmelza and thanked her for her hospitality. She invited him to visit whenever he was close by.

 

Then Bobby hugged Sam. "Let me know where you are son."

 

Sam and Delmelza waved as Bobby drove away in his truck.

 

Sam turned to Delmelza. "Thank you again for everything."

 

"Sam you will always be welcome here. Let me know where you are too."

 

She was standing on the bottom step in front of her house. Sam put his arms around her and kissed her. It was a deep, long kiss because he wanted to stay. Because he was afraid he would never see her again. Because he loved her. 

 

Sam let her go just as suddenly. He turned, got into the Impala and drove away. He didn't look back this time. It was too painful.

 

Sam went on a killing spree. No a killing rampage. After he got over the initial shock of Dean's death, he got angry, real angry. He was angry at Dean, at Dad and at himself. Why was he still doing this? This war was never going to end. As long as people acted true to their nature, there was always going to be evil.

 

Sam could find the local liquor store, no matter the size of the town. He would check into hotel after a hunt, attend to any wounds, shower and crawl into bed naked. Open a bottle of whiskey, let the depression settle over him like a lover. And drink until the anger was at bay. At some point he would fall asleep and dream of Dean, always when they were young, never as adults. The dreams were so vivid Sam would wonder if they were dreams or memories back to haunt him.

 

Sam was in Texas looking into murders at a summer camp. There was no demon, just a mother whose son had died at the camp. She was mad with grief and took it out on the people she thought was responsible for her son's death. Sam understood being mad with grief. He shot her to put her out of her misery. He wondered when someone would be as kind to him.

 

Sam called Bobby to check in. 

 

"Sam, Delmelza and Brad are getting married. She sent us invitations."

 

TBC


	16. Chapter 16

  
Author's notes: Please be advised character deaths.  


* * *

Sam told Bobby he wasn't going to do this.

 

He told himself he wasn't going to do this.

 

He stood in the front yard and thought to himself. What am I? A masochist?

 

Apparently so. 

 

He walked around to the back yard and saw the wedding taking place. Delmelza was dressed in a light blue knee length dress. She tried to tame her unruly hair with a matching headband. She faced Brad who was dressed in a suit. His nervous energy made him seem to vibrate. He held both of Delmelza's hands. Annie was the maid of honor/best girl dressed in a matching blue dress.

 

Sam was sure it was a beautiful ceremony. He couldn't hear it over his heart breaking, but hey what did he really expect. He was the one who left. He was the one who broke off contact for the last eight months.

 

Delmelza and Brad were kissing and everyone was clapping. 

 

I should leave Sam thought. A tug on his hand made him look down. 

 

Annie was smiling up at him. "Sam! We thought you wasn't coming." 

 

Sam bent down to hug her. "I didn't think I was going to make it." She kissed him on the cheek and hugged back. 

 

Annie took him by the hand and dragged him over to where Delmelza and Brad were receiving congratulations and best wishes from the guests. Sam plastered a smile on his face and wished he were at some bar. 

 

Delmelza looked surprised, and then hugged him. "I'm glad you came Sam. It's good to see you."

 

Sam and Brad did the straight man to straight man hug. Sam wished them both well.

 

It was a small wedding and Sam felt Annie had introduced him to everyone. He met Brad's parents and best friend. 

 

He met some of Delmelza's family. When they asked him how he knew Delmelza, he said he was friends with Robert. They suddenly wanted cake.

 

Annie pulled Sam over to a table and brought them each a piece of wedding cake. She got him caught up on things in her life. She was the pitcher on a softball team. She asked about his truck driving job and where he had been. Sam wasn't sure why she thought he was a truck driver, but said things were good. 

 

Sam saw Delmelza go into the house and excused himself from Annie. When he walked into the house, Delmelza was at the kitchen table pulling her shoes off. She smiled at him. "My feet are killing me. Never get married in new high heels."

 

Sam laughed and sat at the table beside her. "I'll remember that."

 

Delmelza put her hand over his. "I've been worried about you. I’ll call Bobby and he would say you were fine."

 

She had put her left hand over his. Sam looked at the small engagement ring. That wasn't on her hand when he left. And the gold band. He ran his thumb over the gold band. His emotions went from anger to sadness to acceptance back to sadness. The one night he spent with her came back to him so quickly he couldn't breathe. That one night carried him for a long time. He didn't look at her. He didn't want her to see the tears in his eyes. 

 

"Why did you invite me?"

 

"Because you are my friend. You are Brad and Annie's friend. We all wanted you here." Sam didn't say anything. "Sam, we lost brothers we loved dearly. We understand each other in a way no one else will."

 

Sam raised his head and looked into that unwavering gaze. "You have to know how I feel about you." Delmelza nodded. "Suppose I told Brad about that night."

 

Delmelza never blinked. "You could tell Brad and he would be angry. He would take Annie and leave, and that would break her heart as well as mine. I know you wouldn't be so cruel to hurt Annie. Brad would forgive me in time and come back. And I would welcome him. Sam, if you had asked me to leave with you all those months ago, or leave with you now, the answer would be no."

 

"Why no?"

 

"Because you can't share your life with me. Because I have too much love for Brad. Too much love for Annie. And too much love for you."

 

Sam stood and pulled Delmelza up into an embraced. Sam hugged his Blue-Eyed Girl good-bye. He would have to stop thinking of her that way. She would be his friend, but he would stay in love because right now he couldn't figure out how to stop. 

 

He stayed, spoke with Brad and had another piece of cake. He stopped at a liquor store on his way back to the hotel. He called a service and asked for a redhead with blue eyes. The woman they sent was had the right hair color and the right color of blue eyes. Sam paid her and said her services were no longer required. 

 

He would go see Doc on Monday; he should be sober by then.

 

*****

Doc was finishing a chicken sandwich as he got out of his car.

 

"Doc."

 

He turned to see Sam Winchester, a guy he wondered if he would ever see again.

 

"Sam, it's good to see you. Come in."

 

Doc led the way through the lobby and back to his office.

 

Sam looked around. Still the same and it felt like years since he was here. 

 

"Sit down."

 

Sam sat down in a chair opposite Doc. "Well, how are you? It has been a while since we talked."

 

Sam tried to smile, but couldn't. "It's been hard. I really should have called you before now."

 

"You did call." Sam was puzzled. No he hadn't called. He was almost sure?

 

"You called late one night, Sam, about six months ago. You were drunk and what you said didn't make much sense." 

 

SHIT! What did he say? He didn't think he was having black outs. "What did I say....exactly?"

 

"You said there was no way to kill all the demons. Dean leaves you to do all the hunting and you shouldn't have promised him anything. You refused to tell me where you were." Doc looked at Sam's eyes. "How long have you been drinking?"

 

Sam rubbed his blood shot eyes. "It helps with the anger."

 

"Why are you angry?"

 

Sam felt the tears fall. "Dean died and..... he didn't have to. It's too much. Whiskey dulls everything." Sam put his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. "I dream of him, when we were kids. I wake up feeling the same panic, I felt then when I was left alone." Sam started to shake.

 

Doc leaned forward. "Sam, Dean's death was traumatic for you. You were with the body for hours before you called me. You’re trying to rush through the grieving process. You've cut yourself off from anyone that can help you. I think it's not so much anger, as you are not ready to let him go. Tell me about Dean's last day."

 

Sam told him about going from restaurant to restaurant. The stories. The notebook and photo.

 

Then Doc had to go and ask. "Since you've been in town, have you gone to visit Dean's grave."

 

Sam shook his head no.

 

"Many times people get caught up in funerals and other business, they forget to say good-bye. Forget to say the things that need to be said. Sam, go see Dean and talk to him."

 

*****

 

Sam stood looking at Dean's grave. There was no headstone. Sam couldn't afford one. He looked at the spike with a weather beaten, fading paper. Dean Winchester and the grave number. Grass had grown on the grave. 

 

Sam's knees gave out. He was kneeling on Dean's grave. He cursed Dean and told him hell was the perfect place for him for what he did to Sam. He told Dean what life had been like for him. He let the rage and hurt pour out of him. He collapsed on Dean's grave, his throat raw from yelling, breathing heavy.

 

He pressed his cheek to the grave. "Thank you for taking care of me when we were kids. Thank you for the notebook and photo." Then he said the words that he couldn't say before. "I love you. I'm sorry I didn't tell you before."

 

It was like a switch had been flipped. For eight long months he felt anger, lonely, guilty and heart broken. Now all he felt was clam. He was always going to miss Dean, but now he wasn't running from the memories or the dreams. He would let Dean be with him.

 

*****

When he got back to the hotel, he poured the rest of the whiskey down the drain. He found the notebook in his backpack and spent the night reading it. That night he hoped he would dream of Dean.

 

*****

Over the next several years, Sam traveled and killing as many demons he could get close to. If he was near Dalton, he would stop and visit Dean. Say hello to Robert and Short Napoleon. Delmelza, Brad and Annie would welcome him with open arms no matter what time he showed up. Sometimes he would stay for dinner, sometimes for the night. When he stayed overnight, he and Delmelza would talk about Robert and Dean. It took about six years before they stopped dissolving into tears. He would wait until everyone was asleep and then salt the doors and windows. He would walk the perimeter just to make sure nothing was outside. One night they were having dinner and Sam didn't know why he didn't see it before. His Napoleons were back. Instead of three guys in a mental hospital, two were women, one he watched grow from a child to a young woman, and a guy with so much nervous energy, Sam wanted to grab him by the shoulders to make him be still. They had given him shelter when Dean died. They had opened their lives without questions. 

 

Sam kept in touch with Doc. Sometimes once a week. Sometimes once a month. Sometimes on certain days.

 

*****

Sam was in Collinsport, Maine looking for a werewolf. He knew it was a member of the wealthy family that owned most of the town. They weren't being very helpful and Sam was getting feed up with their nonsense.

 

He called Eric, Bobby's nephew to check in. Bobby was diagnosed with kidney cancer the previous year and decided to train his nephew to take over. It was that old joke, his my sister's son. Sam doubted that Eric had the sense to get in out of the rain. The cancer took Bobby quickly. No one guessed the only demon to worry about was an aggressive disease. Sam knew all the therapy was working because he took Bobby's death slightly less hard than Dean's. Not much, just slightly less. 

 

"Hi Sam. I got a message from you. Hold on let me find it."

 

Sam rolled his eyes. How could this guy be related to Bobby?

 

"Here it is. Annie called. De....Delsi...."

 

Sam held his breath. "Delmelza."

 

"Yeah, Delmelza died on Tuesday. Wow, sorry dude."

 

Sam hung up the phone. The world slipped out from under him. Delmelza was dead. The one person that was keeping him anchored to this world was gone. He never figured out how to fall out of love with her. He still had erotic dreams about her. His heart still beat fast at the thought of seeing her. He felt just as shattered as when Dean died. He now lost both loves of his life. 

 

Sam picked up the shotgun. He had never been this close before. He cocked it and looked at the barrel. He remembered the promise he made Dean-no matter what he would never kill himself. He remembered the words Delmelza said to him on her wedding day-she did love him. 

 

He held the cocked gun while he dialed a phone number.

 

"Dr. Enys."

 

*****

Sam had enough werewolf bullshit. He found a cousin, knocked her against the wall and put the gun under her chin. She told Sam where the werewolf was hiding. Sam killed him in his human form. Well, Sam certainly felt better.

*****

Sam drove to Dalton. Brad looked as shattered as Sam felt. Delmelza and Brad had been out for a late dinner. Driving home a pickup truck driven by a drunk driver hit them head on. Aside from scratches and bruises, Brad had a broken arm and pelvis. Delmelza died two days later from her injuries. Sam had been so afraid that one of the demons had killed her. He had a good long cry with Brad. After the funeral, he stayed behind at the cemetery and finally told her how much he always loved her.

 

*****

Annie had met a man and was moving to Savannah. At the wedding, Brad told Sam he was taking early retirement and moving to Savannah to be close to Annie. Sam asked for the little white house. He couldn't buy it, but he would pay rent and take care of the place. Sam was tired of hunting and decided to stay in Dalton. Other hunters would call him for help with research or if they needed a place to stay and a warm meal.

 

Sam was happy in the little white house. He went to the cemetery when he was lonely and talked to Delmelza and Dean. Doc retired and gave Sam the name of the doctor taking over his practice. Sam knew he couldn't cry those tears again and never contacted the man.

 

*****

It was Sam's birthday. Annie and her two young daughters called from Savannah and sung Happy Birthday. Brad, the dotting grandfather, spoke long time to Sam. Sam thanked them for the call. He went up to bed. He felt his age and hadn't been feeling quite well for a couple days. Not really sick-just not well.

*****

Sam was surrounded by Dogwoods, white and pink in full bloom. The grass was so green and air smelled.... fresh. Sam realized he was a young man, about 20 years old before his life had taken so many bad turns. It was like that perfect day when he and Dean played football with Dad. He tilted his head up to the sun. It was so warm on his skin.

 

He felt a touch on his hand and looked his side. His Blue-Eyed Girl smiled and he intertwined their fingers. He thought about the time Dean asked Sam what was his version of Heaven. Sam said spending forever with the woman he loved. 

 

Sam kissed his Blue-Eyed Girl and knew his time on Earth was over.


End file.
